Nightmare Before Christmas
by LyricalKris
Summary: When Edward's son died, he took Edward's heart and soul with him. Even a decade of mourning didn't seem good enough. But then, Edward met college student Bella who thrived despite her own tragedy. Can Edward's cold, dead heart beat again?
1. Prologue - Loss

**A/N: I started to write this for the Mistletoe contest but it quickly got out of control… Thank them for requesting Christmas angst…**

**Disclaimer: Welp. STILL not Stephenie Meyer.**

**_WARNING_: Please mind the summary! If you have a question, please ask. I'll be happy to explain. Also, FYI, there is no cheating in this story.**

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

"Sweetheart, I think it's time."

"No." Edward stared as his wife, pleading even though her expression was just as broken as his had to be. He knew this wasn't her choice. Of course it wasn't her choice. This was out of both of their hands, and it had been for six months. "Not yet. Please not yet."

He wasn't ready. He wasn't ever going to be ready.

Tears filled his Kate's eyes, and her voice whined in the back of her throat. "Edward, please." She looked from him down to their son, cradled in her arms.

Two simple words, and yet he heard what she didn't say. This was happening. Now. And she didn't have the strength to watch him break down.

Edward closed his eyes. Somewhere in his head, someone was screaming. No. No. No. No. He opened his eyes and stepped toward his wife and Xavier, their son. With each footfall his heart and soul twisted inside him, their death throes a stark contrast to his son's steady decline over the last few weeks. What was going on inside Edward was violent and agonizing. His son's struggle for each breath was heartbreakingly quiet.

Xavier had been fighting for a long time, and tonight he was going to lose.

Edward came to a stop in front of his wife and son. His fingers trembled as he drew his fingers down his sleeping son's face. When he was born, the baby's cheeks had been full and pink. Now his skin was a bloodless, sickly pale. His lips were tinged blue and chapped. His beautiful blond curls lay, like the rest of him, limp and lifeless.

Wordless, he swept Kate into his arms, baby and all, and carried her to the living room. He settled all three of them in the recliner, his wife cradled on his lap and their son secure against her chest. He kept one arm around her and used the other to stroke up and down his son's back. There was a lump in his throat so large it choked him.

His wife rested her hand on top of Edward's, and together they watched the rise and fall of Xavier's back with each of his labored, uneven breaths. Kate wept, though not uncontrollably. She shook in Edward's arms, or was it that he was shaking all of them? Edward couldn't tell. All he knew was this pain was unfathomable. He couldn't understand how he could live through it. Surely when Xavier's breaths stopped, his would too. Surely he wouldn't survive this, and if his son had to leave, Edward couldn't say the idea of following displeased him.

The baby whimpered, opening his eyes, trying to focus, and Edward knew he had to speak.

"Xavier?" The word came out like gravel and hurt his throat about as much. Edward pressed his lips together hard to control the tremble. He needed to say this. "Shhh, baby boy." He ran his fingers through his son's golden curls. "Xavier, I need you to listen to me, okay?

"You don't have to be scared, son. You're so brave. You're the bravest boy I've ever met. You've fought so hard for a long time, and I'm so proud of you. Mommy and I are so very proud of you."

Edward took another breath. It was impossible to fill his lungs when they were squeezed so tight. His heart hurt. It just hurt. He drew a trembling finger over his son's cheek. "It's time to rest now, sweetheart. It's going to be okay. Me and Mommy…" His voice broke, and he sniffed. "Me and Mommy are going to be okay. You don't have to worry about us."

"I'm so glad I got to be your mommy," Kate said in voice that broke with tears. "Baby, we're so glad we had you. You've been the very best part of us, the best thing in our lives. The best thing we ever did, and we're going to love you forever. Baby, I love you so much." Kate dipped her head with a cry and kissed the baby's crown.

Xavier whined a little, but his eyes closed. He was tired. Edward could see how tired he was. He took in a shallow breath, still fighting.

"You can sleep," Edward said. "You can sleep now. Rest, baby boy."

Over the next fifteen minutes, Xavier's breaths slowed. Slowed.

Stopped.

"You're okay now, baby." Kate's voice was thin and broken, her body shaking as she cried. "You're free."

Edward turned his face into Kate's hair and sobbed, clutching them both closer to him. The pain of loss was going to kill him. Surely it was going to kill him.

It didn't. It just stretched on endlessly.

Xavier Kieren Cullen was born on January third, and he died on 11:59 PM on Christmas Eve, having never seen his first Christmas.

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><p><strong>AN: Many thanks to jessypt, songster, myheroin, and Packy 2.0 for all their help. **

**Um. Hi, guys. How are we?**


	2. Chapter 1 - Slam

_**Chapter 1**_

_**~Ten Years Later~**_

_**~Late March~**_

Bella Swan knew damn well she was annoying the guy sitting next to her. She had to stop herself from apologizing. Fuck him anyway. If a little leg-shaking bothered him, that was his problem. He'd showed up with a group of assholes taking advantage of the fact the poetry group's readings were open to anyone. If anything, he owed her an apology. His persistent flirting had thrown her off her game, hence the rapid tattoo her foot was beating against the floor.

"Hey."

Bella opened her eyes to find Professor Whitlock, the English professor who ran the group, squatting in front of her. "I saw your name on the reading list. You ready?"

She wanted to say yes, but she was already shaking her head.

He offered her a reassuring smile. "Looks like you've dressed the part. There are three people in front of you, so you have time to decide, but I think you got this. No pressure."

The professor moved on then, leaving Bella to war with the voices in her head.

She started when a voice whispered low in her ear, "You're a poet and I didn't know it, huh?"

Bella looked over her shoulder and leveled him with a glare. "Did your mother never teach you about personal space, buddy? Back off."

Before he could launch into the typical 'I was just being nice' defense, Bella got up and moved across the room just before the first poet stepped up on the platform that served as a stage.

From her new seat, Bella was distracted by a whispered conversation behind her. She tried not to listen, but that never worked once her interest was piqued.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I thought Alice told you."

"Well, she didn't, and if you'd pay attention to your phone, I could have been home half an hour ago."

Bella turned just enough in her seat to look over her shoulder. The man Professor Whitlock was talking to had to be another professor. He had the look. She could see him easily in front of a class glaring daggers at the class clown. For some reason, the idea made her smile.

He was handsome, the unknown professor. Like Professor Henry Jones Jr., handsome. Like maybe she would major in 'whatever subject he taught' handsome. It was as good a plan as any. She had no idea what the hell she was doing with her life.

Bella shook those thoughts away and turned around again. She pressed a hand to her cheek, feeling the warmth there. Where the heck had that come from?

Behind her, Professor Whitlock laughed. "Come on. Anything I'm keeping you from will still be there tomorrow. Why don't you stay a minute? They're doing slam poetry tonight. Listen to this guy. If you'd shut up long enough to hear what he's doing, I think you'd like this."

"I don't know."

"Then at least stay until Alice gets here. It's been a month since we've seen you."

"I get busy."

"Hey, life happens, man. I get it. But you're here now, and it'd make Alice happy."

The stranger professor sighed. "Yeah, all right."

With no more distractions, Bella turned her attention back to the performance on the stage. Anxiety buzzed at the back of her mind, but she concentrated on the performer. She focused on the passion of their words and the way, for a brief moment, she felt something that wasn't hers. Anguish or joy she could put it down at the end of the poem.

Three performers passed too quickly, and then the professor was introducing her.

"Bella's up next. This is her first time reading, so be nice."

"Woo, a virgin! That's hot."

Bella's step faltered. She didn't have to look to know it was the guy from earlier whom she'd moved to get away from. A few of his friends cackled and cheered at that, and Bella had to concentrate to keep her feet moving forward.

When she got to the mic, she looked up, and that was her first mistake. The first thing she saw were the leering faces of the stupid frat boys who'd invaded this place of art to look for an easy piece of ass. She saw the way their eyes devoured her, and their grins told her exactly what they wanted.

The room spun. Her body braced to run.

But then she spotted the stranger professor at the back of the room. It was a small room and well lit. She could see his eyes clearly. They were calm, green eyes, sad somehow. They were eyes that weren't ripping her clothes off where she stood. He tilted his head in silent encouragement, and Bella could breathe again.

She adjusted the mic.

The fantastic thing about slam poetry was the power. It was absolute proof that words alone could move people. When a poem was on point, the energy of it filled the room. The crowd was so rocked with emotion; it came out in hoots, hollers, and sporadic applause.

That was what pushed Bella to get up in front of the room even though she was naturally shy, among other things. But in a life where she was often afraid of her own shadow, she wanted a taste of that power. She wanted control of this room and every person in it for five minutes. She wanted the strength of her words, her emotions laid bare, to resonate in their heads and send shivers down their spines.

She got what she wanted.

Her voice rang strong and clear in the room as she began to put words to unspeakable horror. Bella quickly discovered the symbiotic relationship between a performer and her audience. She could feel the emotion, could feel the strength of their reaction, and when they shouted, "Yeah!", gasped, or groaned, her words gained volume and speed. Words flowed out of her in a torrent, and she found herself stamping with the beat of it.

When she came to the natural end of the stanza, the room was dead silent. It wasn't an awkward silence, but that kind of quiet that fell in the wake of devastation. The silence of a soul rendered mute by grief.

Bella caught her breath and wiped at the tears that had fallen, finishing the last stanza of her poem in a quiet but strong voice.

"I want to believe in white knights

The way I believe in Santa

Once upon a time, it was a nice idea

But knowing he doesn't exist doesn't hurt.

Seeing other kids who still believe

Doesn't make me wish for the bliss of ignorance

I am the Fox Mulder of my own heart

I want to believe

But I can't"

Bella swallowed around the lump in her throat and stepped back from the mic as the room burst into applause. Her heart was hammering so hard in her chest it was jostling her stomach, so even though she was giddy with adrenaline, she also wanted to throw up. Bella darted for the back door.

Outside, the cold air of Flagstaff, AZ in March felt good on her super-heated skin. Bella made it a short distance away from the building before she sunk down on a convenient stone, trembling too hard to stand. She was crying. Not for any good reason. It was just an overflow of emotion, a reaction to the power she'd held in her hands. A power that had cost her something. How easily it could have been too much, but the fact the audience had understood, had been with her... that had healed something in her. Or at least soothed it.

Whatever this emotion was, she was high off it. Drunkenly high.

"There you are."

Bella stiffened and sat bolt upright at the sound of the voice. It was the jock, and judging by the way he plopped down beside her, he _still _hadn't gotten the memo. He put a hand on her shoulder and didn't remove it when she cringed.

"Hey, don't cry." He reached up to wipe her cheek, but this time, Bella stood up. He held his hands up and out. "Hey, princess. Calm down, would you? I'm only trying to be nice."

Her heart was hammering a mile a minute, faster than it had been when she stepped off stage. She'd broken out in a cold sweat too, leaving her feeling clammy and lightheaded. "Buddy, I'm not buying what you're selling. Fuck off, would you?"

He huffed, and the irritated look on his face set off an edge of panic in Bella. She had to bite her tongue to keep from apologizing.

"Well, pardon the fuck out of me," the frat boy said, standing. "I saw you run out here. I thought something was wrong, and you're here crying. I wanted to help, and you've been treating me like I'm some asshole all night."

Bella bit the inside of her cheek. Her body was pulling her in too many directions, making it too difficult to think. The part of her that was still riding high wanted to kick his ass just because she could. She could, too. He wouldn't be expecting a little thing like her to be able to do it, but she'd learned how.

But then there was that ever infuriating part that wanted to beg him not to be angry. That ingrained part of her that wanted only to please him so he'd be happy with her again. Why had she been so mean to him? He was right. He was only trying to be nice. And so what if he'd been flirting with her earlier. People flirted. It was hardly cause for such drama.

"I was late to meet my boyfriend." Assholes like this never respected a woman's wishes, but they would back off if another man had prior claim.

The frat boy huffed and looked around, his arms held out wide. "Uh huh. Then where is he? You said you were late. Is that why you're crying? Because he left already?" He dropped his hands back to his sides and took a step toward her, his grin coming back. "Well, I'm here baby. Fuck him."

"Hello, sweetheart. I'm sorry, I'm late."

Bella and the frat boy both turned. Bella's eyes went wide when she saw the stranger professor approaching them. His smile was warm, and he ignored the boy completely, extending a hand toward her. "Are you ready to go?"

It took her two long seconds to understand what was going on. He must have overheard her argument with the frat boy, and he was giving her an out. Bella argued with herself for an additional second-there was no reason to believe this guy was any better than the frat boy-but she put her hand in his anyway. "Yeah, babe. I'm ready." She threw a brief sneer at the boy for added effect and let the stranger professor lead her away.

The stranger professor kept his hold loose and made no attempt to touch her otherwise. "Are you okay?"

She realized her hand was still trembling and blew out a sharp breath. "Fine. Thank you for that."

They'd made it safely around the corner of the building. The stranger professor peered over his shoulder to see if the boy had followed. Assured the coast was clear, he let go of Bella and put both his hands in the pockets of his coat.

Bella wrapped her arms around her shoulders, shivering with the excess of emotion and the biting cold. She felt stupid and appreciative all at once. And pissed. For five minutes on stage she'd been a complete badass, and that stupid prick started picking away at that almost immediately.

"You're freezing," the stranger professor said, already beginning to shrug out of his coat.

Bella held a hand out. "I'll be fine." Cold she could handle, though he was right. She was freezing. Maybe it was petty, but he'd been enough of a hero for one night.

He studied her, looking like he was going to argue, but then he nodded. "Okay."

"Can I get you a coffee?" she asked and wondered what the hell she was doing. It made an odd sort of sense in her mind. She didn't want to go back to the poetry meeting yet, not with the frat boys milling around, and she kind of wanted to prove to this guy she wasn't helpless. "I _am_ cold, but it doesn't make sense to make you cold too."

He hesitated, and some combination of adrenaline and stupidity had Bella's mouth moving again before she could stop it. "Just a thank you. I don't think there are any rules against a professor accepting a coffee from a student. It's not like I'm your student."

His brows furrowed in confusion. "Oh." He chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, making a mess of it. "I'm not a professor. I'm actually a student here. Technically."

She shivered again, and he frowned. "Yeah. Okay," he said. "Coffee's fine. Why not," he said. He gestured in front of them. "Lead on." He cleared his throat; his shoulders hunched as he followed her. "I'm Edward Cullen, by the way."

"Bella Swan."

_**~0~**_

Here was the thing about college: for as much higher education was going on, there was even more in the way of social interaction. Bella had tried to keep herself above all that, but it was impossible. Hookups and harmless flirting were just as rampant as serious dating and burgeoning relationships.

It had only bothered Bella because there were a host of boys, and a few girls thrown in for good measure, flirting with her whenever she was out and about on the campus. Most of them weren't as unnerving as the frat boy had been, but Bella wasn't interested.

There were two problems with Edward Cullen. The first was he was definitely not like the other kids she was surrounded by. Despite the fact they kept to light conversation-nothing remotely personal-Bella was intrigued by him. Maybe it was the sadness in him.

It had occurred to Bella more than once that tortured souls were drawn to each other. He was definitely a tortured soul. It was something she simply _knew. _There was something about Edward that left her wanting.

And that was the second problem.

She did _want._

It took her most of the hour they spent at the coffee shop to figure out why she was antsy and her face was over-warm; why she grinned like an idiot at the smallest funny thing he said; why she couldn't stop staring at the curl of hair that fell onto his forehead, or the shape of his nose, or the way his lips were full and-

She was pleased by his attention, attracted by his...everything, and she didn't know what to do about it. It was ridiculous to think she _should _do something about it or that she could. Was there a social rulebook she hadn't received, and oh my god, was she honestly thinking of flirting with him?

"You've gone quiet on me," Edward said, ducking his head to catch her eyes.

He'd offered to walk her back to her dorm, and she'd taken that offer. It was better than calling campus police for an escort, anyway. "Just thinking about midterms," she lied.

He hummed, and then he laughed.

"What?" she asked.

"I was just wondering how you walked in those," he said, nodding toward her platform boots.

"They're so stupid, right?" She stopped to hold her foot out straight and rotated it around. "They're heavy, too." She shrugged as they kept walking. "It took a lot of practice."

"I see. So you think they're stupid, but you're wearing them, and you had to take valuable time out of your life to learn how to walk." His voice wasn't mocking, but gently teasing, and when she glanced at him, his little smile made her smirk.

Bella wrapped her arms around her shoulders, looking down at the ground as they walked on. "I was a really clumsy kid. Like, stitches every few months clumsy. You know how there are just some things you tell yourself, I'm never going to be a person who can do that thing. It's just not a talent I have."

"I always wanted to be one of those guys who could pull off a fedora."

She cocked her head, giving him a look. "Indiana Jones. That's the end of the list of guys who can pull off a fedora." Remembering her earlier thought about Professor Henry Jones Jr., Bella looked away again before she could blush. "So at some point, I just decided to _be _the person who could wear crap like this." She gestured at herself.

"Why?"

"Because it was one of the only things in my life I could control."

She hadn't been able to put together the shattered shards of her life back then, but she could learn how to walk on platform shoes. It sounded pathetic even in her head, but there it was.

"I think I get that," Edward said, his voice soft.

Struck by this, Bella looked at him again only to find his expression pinched and far off. It was the kind of expression that made her want to hug him, and that did nothing to soothe the urge she'd had all night. She'd wanted to touch him in a million different ways. What she wanted now was to pull him to her and kiss the sadness off his lips.

She cleared her throat. "This is me," she said, tapping on her door. The whiteboard had a message from her roommate saying she'd be out late and not to worry.

"Um." Edward rubbed the back of his neck and took a step toward her, looking somewhat bashful. "There's no way this is going to come out as anything but awkward, so I apologize for that. I know the last thing you need is another guy creeping you out."

Bella crossed her arms, wary, but curious about where the hell this could possibly be going.

"It's just that when something I've read or watched resonates with me, I've never had the opportunity to thank the person. They're usually long dead, and I don't see the point of fan mail." He looked up at her with a small smile and earnestness mingling with melancholy in his eyes.

"The piece you did tonight…" He shook his head, his mouth moving soundlessly as though searching for words he couldn't find. "I can't begin to understand what you went through to be able to create that. Whatever it was, I'm sorry." He swallowed hard. "And thank you. It couldn't have been easy to put that out there. So thank you."

Bella blinked, looking at him, and she was so angry.

Not at him. No. She was pissed as hell that she'd had the ability to create that. Because it also meant she was couldn't have what so many people around her found so easily. She didn't connect with people. She'd been on edge all night because she wanted to flirt. She wanted a kiss. She wanted…

Much more than a kiss.

He was standing so close to her, and she thought maybe, if she was someone else…

No. Fuck that. Fuck that.

She pushed up on her tiptoes, taking his face between her hands, and she kissed him.

Edward's gasp vibrated against her mouth and for a second, he froze. She almost pulled back, almost apologized, but then his hands were cupped around her elbows, pulling her closer. Then she was the one who froze.

No. She held on to her anger, her want and how this felt good. She searched for that high she'd felt earlier, when she got off the stage.

He understood. He _saw _her. Her words had given her power over him, and more than that, she was in control here.

She was too. He was following where she led. She took a step backward, and he followed. She reached behind her, fumbling at the doorknob, and he followed her inside, still matching her kiss for kiss.

They didn't speak, and they didn't stop. Not until he was sitting on her little dorm bed and she was straddling him.

Their pants were loud in the silence of the room. With her hand on his chest, Bella could feel how fast his heartbeat was. He was scared too, and there was some comfort there. She liked that he wasn't in control of this.

His hands brushed along her side, his eyes searching, and she knew without him saying that he was trying to figure out if this was really about to happen.

Was it? And was she doing the right thing by him? She was using him, in a way, and part of her knew that. She was doing this because she wanted to and because she could and because she needed to know if she was capable. Could she still have something like this? A wild, passionate, spontaneous night with a near-complete stranger?

Could she have this after everything that she'd lost?

Bella stroked her fingers through Edward's hair. It was as soft as she'd imagined, unencumbered by product. He shuddered with pleasure at her strokes, and she lowered her head to his, kissing him again.

She let her hands fall down to his cheeks, his neck, his chest. His hands were up under her shirt, and again she stiffened for a moment before she relaxed into his touch. His hands were deft, undoing the clasp of her bra. She reached between them to unbutton his pants.

This didn't feel bad.

As long as Bella concentrated on that-on the feel of good touch, the natural warmth of being desired-she was fine. More than fine. So much more than fine. Edward's hands were gentle. He didn't try to take control from her. He didn't grasp or grab or squeeze too hard. He didn't take what she didn't offer. She was the one to lift her hips and guide herself down on him, but he was the one who held her tight, his hand firm on her back, when they rocked together, his back against the wall and her head on his shoulder.

It wasn't so intimate. They were both mostly dressed, and neither of them spoke save for his occasional, breathless, "Oh, God." But it was strangely not awkward. It felt as though they were having a conversation. An invigorating, interesting conversation with their bodies instead of words.

"Bella," Edward said raggedly, and she raised her head. It took her a minute to realize he was close to his release.

She leaned in to nip at his lips. "It's okay," she said, reaching between them, circling him where he was sliding in and out of her. God, that was amazing. He was thick and hot beneath her hand. "I'm okay."

It was the truth. There was no way she was going to orgasm, but that hardly mattered to her. He couldn't possibly understand what he was doing for her was so much better than the best orgasm.

He groaned, burying his head against her neck, his teeth digging into her flesh just slightly. She stroked the hairs at his neck, feeling powerful and beautiful as he pulsed inside her.

She was proud. Two years she'd been afraid of this. Maybe she would never have to be afraid again.

Edward lifted his head, kissing a line along her neck and up until he reached her lips. He kissed her long and languidly, laying back on the bed and bringing her with him.

They fell asleep like that-Bella draped over him, satisfied beyond measure.

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><p><strong>AN: Many thanks to songster and myheroin.**

**So that's Bella…**

**I'm going to be working the polls (ehehehe) all day tomorrow, so let me know what you're thinking, good or bad. It'll be a good distraction. HEARTS! And GO VOTE!**

**Oh. My favorite Slam poem is Neil Hilborn & Ollie Renee Schminkey - "One Color". What's yours?**


	3. Chapter 2 - Shock

**A/N: Oh ,boy. Here we go.**

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><p>Edward was confused.<p>

Coming out of sleep unexpectedly was always confusing, but this was something different. Since his brain hadn't restarted yet, he was only aware of sensation. His body ached and no wonder. He was curled up in a small space which was odd. He had an otherwise empty king-sized bed, after all. His heart was beating too fast. He hadn't just woken up out of nowhere; he'd been startled awake.

"Oof." Edward blinked, a little breathless at a sharp pain at his belly.

It took another half-minute for Edward to realize the random pains were a sharp elbow striking him. That was what had his heart racing. There was a girl in his arms. He blinked again. Bella. Her name was Bella, and she wasn't sleeping peacefully.

She _was _asleep. Her eyes were closed. She murmured frantically in her sleep, and as Edward's mind became more alert, he could make out the words.

"No. Please. Mike. Please, no." She said those three words in variations over and over again, and as she did, she struggled.

Edward vaguely remembered when he fell asleep, she'd been draped on top of him. Now he was on his side, his back pressed against the wall in her tiny bed. Tiny _dorm room _bed… But Edward couldn't think about that now. His arm, loose around her at first, had tightened around her when she began flailing, and that was a mistake.

"No!" She shoved away from him so hard, she fell right off the bed and onto her ass. Edward pushed up onto his arms, peering down at her. She blinked, sightless, her chest heaving. She was hyperventilating, he realized, and he slid off the bed, onto the floor.

With a wordless cry, she scrambled backward, crab-like, away from him. "Don't," she said between gasps. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I'm sorry."

Edward had to swallow down the bile that rose, burning, in his throat. He'd spent some time volunteering at a women's shelter-one of the million things he'd done to fill an abundance of free time. He'd seen panic attacks and night terrors.

"Bella," he said, keeping his voice steady. "You're safe. Bella. No one is going to hurt you. Listen to me. No one is going to hurt you."

She was still breathing too fast, but she was blinking rapidly now. "Mike?" she asked, uncertain.

"No. I'm Edward."

Bella pulled her legs up to her chin, sitting with her back against her roommate's thankfully still-empty bed. She buried her face in her knees, just calming down. "Fuck," she said.

Edward crawled on his hands and knees the few feet to the other side of the room and sat next to her, leaving a good amount of space between them. He briefly touched the tips of his fingers to her knuckles, just letting her know he was there. She cringed at first, but she turned her head enough to the side that she saw his hand open, palm up. After another minute, she took his hand and squeezed. Hard. Edward didn't protest. Broken fingers were probably the least of what he deserved.

With his free hand, he rubbed his eyes, trying to figure out just what the fuck had happened last night. There'd been no alcohol involved, and yet his memories had the same hazy quality to them.

It was her words. Edward had only been half paying attention before Bella took to the she spoke and somehow managed to rip him apart in the space of a few stanzas. In over a decade, he'd never heard the right set of words to describe what it had been like to watch his baby son fade away right in front of his eyes. The profound grief. The helpless fury. The sheer terror. The maelstrom that built inside him with no outlet-a creature clawing and scratching and destroying him quietly, dragging him toward an abyss. It was chaos and pain and then…

The silence. The terrible, yawning, desolate silence of his heart.

She knew.

He wasn't an idiot. He could read well enough between the lines. Their situations weren't the same at all. Whomever Mike was, Edward could bet he wasn't dead. But despite her words, and despite whatever horror she'd live through, Bella had owned that stage. She looked the part too-platform "these boots are made for walking" boots, sleek black skirt, fishnets, and a cropped leather jacket. What she was wearing wasn't revealing. It was the kind of get up that suggested she wouldn't have looked out of place in a superhero movie.

All night he kept trying to remind himself she was a kid-and she was. She had to be. He knew a Freshman dorm when he saw one, and now, trembling after whatever god-awful nightmare she'd awoken from, she looked heartbreakingly young and fragile. He really didn't know he was thinking of her _that _way until she was kissing him, and then…

Then it had all happened really fast.

The pressure around his fingers eased, and Bella lifted her head, exhaling in a gust. "I'm sorry." She stared straight forward, her voice neither strong and clear as it had been all night, nor fearful and tremulous as it had been just a few minutes before. It was empty and dead.

"Don't be." He hesitated, but he moved his hand to touch her knee.

Bella shot up to her feet, and Edward could have kicked himself. It had been an innocent gesture, and she was still wearing her skirt-though her fishnets had been tossed across the room ages ago-but after an attack like that, he should have known better than to touch her. "I'm sorry. I-"

"No. Look." She paced a couple of steps back and forth, running a hand through her hair. "This is awkward, and fuck...it's so cliche." She stood still, rolling her head back so she could stare at the ceiling. "But I don't do things like this." She gulped. Her next words ran together. "And I really need it to not happen again."

Edward looked up at her, watching, a little dumbfounded, as she wrung her hands. Then he couldn't help it. He laughed, rubbing his eyes again in relief. "Thank Christ."

He regretted the words the minute he said them, and he was on his feet, his hands out, imploring. "I didn't mean it like that." That was, quite possibly, the rudest thing he'd ever said in his life. "I'm just trying to say we're on the same page. I think. The it happened and it was good." Damn good. "But you're not interested in breakfast or a repeat performance."

Her shoulders slumped, and she glanced at him from under her eyelashes, sheepish. "Yeah. That's the page."

"That page is good with me," he said, offering her a small smile. He started to look around for the few missing items of clothing he had.

"You don't… I mean, it's dark. It feels kind of shitty to kick you out now," she said, watching him.

It was painfully obvious that she hadn't been lying when she said she didn't do things like this. She sounded exactly like what she was: a girl who seemed to be navigating the often-awkward morning after for…

The first time?

Edward shook that thought away. They had already agreed it was none of his business, and in all honesty, he didn't want to make it his business. "You're not kicking me out. I'm wide awake now. I'll have no problem getting home."

She helped him gather his things and walked him to the door. There, Edward hesitated. His fingers twitched at his sides, and then he raised his hand to cup her face. He didn't kiss her, though he had to fight that impulse, but he did run his thumb over her lips. With a sigh, he let his hand drop back down at his side. "Take care of yourself," he said.

He walked away, wondering why his parting words felt woefully inadequate.

~0~

Edward got home and fell into his bed, but he only slept for three hours before a persistent knock at his door drew him right back out.

"What the hell happened to you last night?" Alice asked by way of greeting.

"Good morning to you too, Alice," Edward said, tightening his robe around him and stepping back so his sister could come in. She didn't move past the foyer. She was looking at him with that pinched, hurt expression he hated. "I'm sorry."

"You told Jasper you'd stay."

"Something came up."

A ghost of a memory came to him with those words. Alice and Edward were the same age, born just weeks apart. The Cullens had adopted her when she was three, and she'd been Edward's best friend most of his life. Once upon a time, she might have snickered at his words, making a risque double entendre. She would have been right in this case, but there was no way he was going to tell Alice about what he'd done. But for a brief moment, he really wanted to.

"I'll forgive you...if-"

He raised an eyebrow. "If?"

Her expression turned pleading. "Come to brunch with us. Jasper, Damien, and me."

Edward took an involuntary step backward, and his sister pounced. "Come on, Edward. Damien misses you."

"Damien is six months old. He doesn't know who I am, and he doesn't care."

"But he will. That's the point. You were a great uncle to Emmett's kids."

Edward scoffed. "Aiden hates me."

"Because he was ten years old when you abandoned everyone."

"Then I must not be a great uncle."

At first, Alice looked like she was about to argue. Then she slumped a bit, wrapping her hands around her arms. "Edward...I miss you. You're hardly around, but you've been a ghost since I got pregnant with Damien. It feels a lot like you're mad at me."

"That's ridiculous. Did you really come over here to pick a fight with me?"

"No, you moron. I came over here because I miss the hell out of you. And because you're finally doing to me what you did to everyone else ten years ago."

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't play dumb, Edward. When was the last time you came to a family thing? _All _of us? But you used to see me and Jasper fairly frequently until we changed our minds about having kids. Well, fuck that." She took a step toward him, and he took another step back. "Don't pull away from us, from me. I want my son to have his whole family."

Edward lashed out then, knocking over the end table in the hall, sending mail flying everywhere. "That fact you even think that's possible is why I stay the hell away."

Alice's eyes were red-rimmed by then, and he could read the grief in her features. "He's not gone from us, Edward. He-"

"Shut up, Alice. Don't start that bullshit. He _is _gone from us. If you're going to tell me his spirit is with us, or he's alive in our hearts, or whatever other nonsense people tell themselves to feel okay about this kind of crap, you can save it. He's not here. Trust me. No one knows that better than me."

He walked a few steps away from his sister, rubbing his eyes, trying to put walls around the grief that always lurked just beneath the surface of his skin. This was why he didn't see his family. They always set off a domino effect, and he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about things like how he should be enjoying the last few months of his son's childhood before he became a sullen pre-teen. He would start wondering about what Xavier would have been like, if he would have liked music, or if he'd be able to draw. Would he be a quiet, shy boy or loud and obnoxious like his uncle Emmett?

"Look, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night," he said, not looking at Alice. "We'll...get dinner or something this week."

"You and me, or all four of us?" Alice asked.

Edward huffed out a breath. He knew his sister well enough to understand her pushing him to go out with her, Jasper, and the baby was a compromise. She could have been asking him to come to Emmett's twins' birthday, which was next week. "All of you," he said, and then walked to the door, opening it for her.

Her gaze lingered on him a few beats longer, as though she were considering pushing, but then she nodded. "Okay. Go back to sleep, you lazy ass."

They hugged, and Edward tried his best to mean it. He knew his family was hurt by his distance, and Alice was right. He'd been closer to her than just about anyone until about a year ago.

When the door was closed, and Edward was alone again, he leaned with his back against the wall. He breathed in and out through his nose, looking around his neat, empty house, and he tried his hardest to keep his mind blank.

It didn't work, but then, it never did.

_**~Early May~**_

Since his professor liked to hurry off directly after class, Edward typically spent a few minutes on the bench outside the classroom. He rifled through his notes, ignoring the steady stream of students around him as he made a list of the names and events he wanted to delve into on his own.

When he was done, he pulled his bag onto his lap and began to pack up. As he did, a flyer caught his eye. The poetry club was having another open slam poetry reading tonight.

Automatically, Edward's thoughts turned to the poet-girl he'd spent a night with. He'd thought of her off and on these last five weeks. He hadn't been with very many women since Kate, but Bella stuck out for a few reasons. Edward tapped the side of his bag.

It wasn't as though he wanted to see her because he wanted a repeat performance; he really didn't. He hadn't been lying to her when he said he admired what she did. If he had the chance to see any artist he admired perform, he would take it. That was all. She never had to know he was there.

Besides, Jasper would be there, obviously. Ever since Alice's little hissy fit, he'd been trying to be better about seeing his family. When he could work in a visit without seeing everyone all at once, so much the better.

He didn't hate his family. He was just the grumpy prematurely old man, and why should they have to deal with that?

Edward stalled, getting a coffee for himself and his brother-in-law. The event still hadn't started when he slipped in the back. His eyes swept the room, looking for Bella. Just because he didn't want her to get the wrong idea. That was all.

Jasper found him first. "Hey, Edward. What are you doing here?"

"I come bearing gifts of coffee," he said, proffering him one of the cups in his hand.

His brother-in-law grinned. "Ah, I knew you were good for something. But really, what are you doing here?"

Edward shrugged. "I enjoyed the style of poetry."

"It can be very powerful."

Edward hummed and cleared his throat. "There was a girl who performed last time who was particularly good. The White Knight poem."

Jasper cocked his head. "Bella Swan."

"Maybe. Is she reading again?"

When Jasper didn't answer right away, Edward looked over to him. His brother-in-law was studying him with a strange look on his face. Edward quirked an eyebrow. It was a perfectly innocent question, but Jasper's expression suggested he heard something Edward hadn't said. It was an annoying quirk the man had, and Edward steadied his stare. There was no story there.

Jasper gestured with his chin over Edward's shoulder. "Why don't you ask her yourself?"

Edward's eyes widened and he fought back a grimace as he turned around. Sure enough, Bella was standing behind him, but that wasn't what had him doing a double-take. Whatever he might have said went out the window. He took a step forward, his hand out just in case he needed to steady her. Her pallor was sickly, and she looked like she was about to faint.

"It is you," she said in a strange voice.

"Are you all right?"

She opened her mouth and then closed it again, swaying alarmingly.

He touched a hand to her shoulder. "Come on. Let's get you some air."

Her movements were somewhat jerky, like her body couldn't decide whether or not she could stand to be near him. He had no idea what she was thinking, but getting her out into the fresh air seemed like a priority.

Once outside, she sank right down on the concrete, sitting with her head hanging between her knees. Edward hovered, not knowing quite what to do. She couldn't look more different than the first time he saw her. Back then, she'd looked the part of a young woman ready to kick ass and take names. Today, she was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt. Even before she'd sat down, she'd looked huddled and small. She shivered, and Edward shrugged out of his coat. April evenings in Flagstaff, AZ were still quite cold.

Bella reached a hand up to finger the fabric of his coat. "Thank you," she said, sounding a little shaky. "I got so dizzy." She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

Edward hesitated only a minute before he decided the truth was harmless. Besides, his parents had taught him sincere compliments should be given whenever possible and to whomever deserved them. "It wasn't planned. I saw a flyer and I wanted to hear you read again." He coughed into his hand. "I wasn't planning on bothering you," he said in case she was nervous about that.

He saw her lip twitch. She made to get up, and when he offered her a hand, she took it. She let go right away, taking a few steps backward and crossing her arms. She pressed her lips into a thin line.

Troubled. She was definitely troubled about something.

"Maybe it's a good thing you're here," she murmured, so soft he wasn't sure at first that she'd spoken at all.

He ducked his head, trying to catch her eyes. "What did you say?"

She sighed, looking around at the milling students. She started to walk toward the back of the building. Bewildered and concerned for her, Edward followed.

"I didn't expect to see you," Bella began out of nowhere, already stumbling and tripping over her words. "I thought about asking Professor Whitlock about you. I saw you talking to him before. I figured he had to know you."

"Uh, Jasper is married to my sister."

"Oh," she said. Her pace picked up, but she doubled back just as quickly, beginning to pace. "This is… I shouldn't… I didn't…"

Worried, Edward reached out, grabbing her by her shoulders just to get her to stop. She finally looked up at him, her eyes tortured. "I'm pregnant," she blurted.

Edward stopped breathing. His stomach dropped down his feet. His mind went white, and his body seized, at a loss for what to do first. He was frozen for four eons-long seconds.

Then he sucked in a breath, his mind actually beginning to work again, though only with a base instinct. He reacted without conscious thought. There was what was real and what was not. Those words couldn't exist. They couldn't. There was no way he could deal with what those two words meant. Only one woman had ever uttered those words to him, and she had been euphoric. _They _had been euphoric, and this…It was abhorrent-incongruent with any possible reality. His brain rejected it.

Out of his mind, he grabbed her by the upper arms and shook her. Hard. He heard her cry out, and yet he kept on shaking. "You're not. You're _not._"

"Stop it!" Her tone was sharp, and she tried to twist out of his grip. He held her fast. "Let go."

He didn't. He shook her again. "This can't happen. This isn't going to happen. Do you understand? It can't."

She grunted and brought her leg up, kneeing him hard in the groin. She bolted as he fell.

That's how Jasper found him a few minutes later, still on the ground, though kneeling now, hands at his groin, chanting, "fuck," in a frantic whisper while he tried not to throw up.

It didn't work. He turned to the the side and retched just as Jasper dropped to a knee beside him.

"Edward? What the hell is going on?"

Edward groaned. The agony of his wounded cock had the effect of clearing his head. As physical pain slowly abated, self-disgust and unadulterated terror brought on a completely different kind of pain. "I fucked up," he said in a raw whisper. His stomach twisted sickeningly as as the full realization of what he'd just done to that poor girl settled on his shoulders. He threaded his fingers through his hair and pulled savagely. "Jesus Christ. I fucked up."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Many thanks to songster and myheroin.**

**Hmmm. Okay, so. I'm going to try my damndest to get you another chapter out before I leave on a trip in a little less than a week. But fair warning. I might fail miserably in that goal as I have two papers due in school this week. EEEEK.**

**Anyway. How are we feeling, kids? **


	4. Chapter 3 - Grovel

**A/N: For the anon who asked about the mistletoe contest, you can find it here: www dot fanfiction dot net / u / 6149179/ Mistletoe-Contest**

**Fair warning...this might be a hard chapter for some folks, but fyi, only DISCUSSIONS happen here. If you have a question as to what that means or get uncomfortable at some point, PLEASE feel free to ask me. I don't mind spoiling you if it makes you more comfortable.**

* * *

><p>"Ah, shit."<p>

Bella blinked away the lethargy of sleep and rolled over in bed. Her body ached from being coiled so tightly. She hadn't moved much from her bed since she'd hidden in it after running away from Edward the day before.

She was dimly aware that Emily, her roommate, had opened the door, but she hadn't gone anywhere. She was holding what looked like an envelope in her hand, her expression furious. Bella shuddered, fear curling in her chest. "What's that?" she asked, certain she already knew.

Emily opened the envelope and skimmed the note inside. "It's from the asshole." Her tone was acerbic, but her lips quirked as she read. "It's...not bad. Do you want to read it, or do you want me to read it to you? Or we could still call the cops, Bella."

"No. No cops." Bella shuddered. She knew well enough calling the cops didn't mean she was protected. The cops could make him angry, and there was still a chance he would just go away. She sat up, pressing her back against the wall and drawing her knees up to her chest. Staring at the letter in Emily's hand, she felt a rush of irrational fear, as though the paper itself would attack her. Her hand trembled as she reached out. "Give it to me."

Emily came to sit beside her, shoulder to shoulder, and handed her the paper. Bella took a deep breath, grateful beyond words that her roommate had been so understanding. She leaned her head on Emily's shoulder and gathered the courage to see what Edward had to say.

It was a short note written in an elegant, neat script.

_Bella-_

_I am incredibly sorry about how I reacted yesterday. I won't offer you excuses for what I did, but please know I'm so, so sorry. I can't tell you how disgusted I am with myself for hurting and scaring you._

_I hope you'll give me the chance to explain myself, and of course, we need to talk. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable, I'll do anything._

He'd left his number and address with a note she could call any time.

Bella crumpled the note in her hands, trembling hard now. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the tears and rested her head on her knees, rocking back and forth.

"You don't owe him anything, Bella," Emily said, rubbing her back.

"I know," she said, her voice shaking. She gasped with a strangled sob. "I'm so stupid. I'm so, so stupid."

"You're not stupid. There's nothing wrong with you."

Bella groaned, shaking her head without lifting it. "No, I'm a fucking moron. Why did I tell him, Em? I wasn't going to tell him, especially since…I mean, I hadn't decided if…" She shuddered, unable to bring herself to complete the thought. "But, then he was just there. And he was so sweet to me. He was sweet to me that night and last night until I told him. I just said it. I just said it out loud and now I can't take it back."

"I fail to see how that makes you a moron."

Sniffling wretchedly, Bella turned her head to the side, opening stinging eyes to regard her friend. "Because when I saw him, I wanted to believe it was going to be okay. He was so sweet," she repeated, her tone mournful. "But M-mike could be sweet too. I should have known better."

Emily hugged her. "It wasn't stupid to hope this guy wasn't anything like Mike. Honey, you know there are plenty of really great guys out there."

"Yeah, well. Either I'm an idiot, or there's something wrong with me. Two for two. And now this." She whimpered, her mind automatically shying away from the fact she hadn't _really _let settle into her head-the tiny fact that was growing bigger and more undeniable.

Out of nowhere, a rush of anger hit her, breaking through the terrible terror. She got to her feet and started to look for her jeans. "Do you have anywhere to be right now?" she asked Emily.

"No. What are you doing?"

"I'm going to go see Professor Whitlock." She was pleased that her voice didn't shake even though the words sent a thrill of fear down her spine. "I just...don't want to be alone right now."

"Sister, you know I got your back."

_**~0~**_

Twenty minutes later, they'd tracked Professor Whitlock down at his office. He sat at his desk, gesturing for both of them to have a seat. Bella was having a hard time tamping down an urge to run. This man was Edward Cullen's brother-in-law. It would be natural for him to be in his corner. She wondered how much he knew about what was going on, or what lies Edward might have told him.

His face was, as ever, open and concerned. And Emily was there. They were in a very public building with people bustling right outside. Nothing was going to happen here.

"I need…" Her words were timorous and Bella stopped. She took a deep breath, trying to calm the hammering of her heart. "What did Edward tell you about us?" she asked, tripping a little over the words.

The professor studied her, his face still open and compassionate. "He wouldn't tell me anything, but I've never seen him so upset."

Beside her, Emily scoffed. "Oh, he's upset. Poor fucking baby."

Professor Whitlock raised his head to look at her, but he didn't seem angry. "To say he was distraught was putting it mildly." Curiosity flickered across his face. "Did you hit him?" he asked.

Again, before Bella could respond, Emily blew up. "A kick to the nuts was the least of what that asshole deserved, and if I see him, you can bet your ass he'll be lucky if I stop at breaking his nose."

Bella stared at her friend, wide-eyed. Emily was tough, but she was also very kind. Bella hadn't ever heard her talk about anyone this way. Then again, there was a reason Emily empathized so much with Bella.

"Look, that...that doesn't matter," Bella said before either one of them could speak. "I came to ask you if you could do something for me."

"Of course," the professor said readily.

"I need you to tell Edward…" She had to suck in a breath. Her heart hurt at the words she was about to say. When she said the words, it would all be real. Really happening, and god, she just needed it all to stop. "Please just tell him there's nothing to talk about. He doesn't have to worry. He'll get what he wants. I'm going to take care of it," she said to her lap.

"Bella…" Emily began, her tone shocked. Of course. Bella hadn't discussed this part with her.

Really, she hadn't thought about it. She hadn't thought about much of anything. She just needed her world to be right side up again. She needed this all to have not happened.

Maybe she and Edward weren't so different after all.

"Please," she repeated, still not lifting her head to look at the professor. She needed to get out of there before her heart broke. She didn't want to break down in front of this man. She didn't want Edward to know. "Will you just tell him? It'll be like I never existed. That's the best thing for both of us. Please."

"I...Yes. Yes, of course. I'll tell him, but Bella-"

"Thank you," Bella said. She stood and grabbed Emily, hauling her up and dragging her out of the office.

They almost made it out of the building before Bella had to stop. She sat down hard on the thankfully-deserted stairs, close to hyperventilating.

Before they'd left their dorm, Bella had dressed similarly to how she had been when Edward saw her that first night. Some days, her clothes were her armor, her way of convincing herself she was strong because she looked the part. Today, she felt anything but.

She had nothing to show for two years of hard work. She was the same pathetic girl she had been, bowed and conquerable.

**~0~**

Later that evening, Bella was huddled under all her blankets and most of Emily's. Still she was cold to her core. She cried off and on, but mostly, she stared at the wall, willing her mind to stay numb.

She was too tired to sleep, and what a desolate feeling that was. There wasn't much she wouldn't have given to be able to slide into the arms of unconsciousness for a few hours.

A knock on the door roused her, and Bella tensed. She rolled over, propping herself on her elbow, looking between Emily and the door. Her heart hammered.

Emily closed her laptop and picked up her phone. "Who is it?" she called, looking at Bella with an expression that promised she would keep her safe.

"Edward Cullen."

Bella sat up, automatically wedging herself into the furthest corner of her bed and the wall. She struggled to throw the blankets off her so she was free to run, though there was no place to go. "Don't open it," she called to Emily when her friend marched up to the door.

"I won't," Emily said quietly. Then her expression turned fierce as she banged on the door hard. "You better get the hell away from us right the fuck now."

"Please. Two minutes. Bella? If you're in there. Please, just give me two minutes to explain," Edward said through the door. He didn't sound angry. He was pleading, not demanding.

"You're a psychotic prick," Emily yelled, banging on the door again for emphasis. Bella jolted with the sound. "There's not much else to say. Get away. Don't come back."

"Please, I-"

"I'm calling the police, asshole. Not the campus security. The fucking police. She's got bruises, you piece of crap. Don't think they won't haul your ass in for that shit."

Bella's breath left her in a huff. It was true. There were bruises on her arms where he'd grabbed her. She'd had worse, but she could get him arrested, as Emily had been telling her since the day before. It was what happened after the arrest that terrified Bella. The marks weren't bad and grabbing wasn't the same as beating.

There was silence for a minute. Emily still stared at the door with phone in hand, and Bella had her hands tangled in her hair, tense and waiting. He was still there. He hadn't walked away.

Sure enough, just a few seconds later he spoke again, his voice hoarse and wrecked. "Bella, please. Please open the door. I'm on my knees. I'm literally on my knees."

That broke through Bella's panic. His tone had set off every instinct she had to comfort, and his words brought an interesting image. Bella knew damn well he was a lot older than she was. Not ancient by any stretch of the imagination, but firmly _adult. _The thought of a grown man groveling in front of a college dorm room was...interesting.

Emily turned to her and raised an eyebrow, holding her phone out. "Do you want me to see?"

Stunned, Bella nodded. "Take your pepper spray."

Emily shifted her phone to her left hand, thumb poised over the send button where she had 9-1-1 pulled up. She reached for her keys on her desk and with it the pepper spray attached. She opened the door an inch, peering out with the pepper spray ready. She huffed. "He's not lying," she said.

Bella unwound herself, putting her legs one by one on the floor. When she nodded to Emily, her friend opened the door all the way to show her that Edward was indeed on his knees, heedless of the scattered college kids snickering behind him.

He looked about how he sounded. His eyes were red-rimmed and tortured. His hair was a mess. "Please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He looked at her with guilt and shame written so plainly on his features, Bella had to believe him even as she told herself she knew better.

Mike had been sorry too, once upon a time.

She wiped a shaking hand over her eyes, stumbling a couple of steps backward until she was up against the furthest wall away from him. "Fine," she said, her voice barely a breath. "You have two minutes. But Emily's staying."

Edward got slowly to his feet, nodding. "Thank you."

He'd only taken two steps in the door when Emily stopped him. "That's far enough." She closed the door and pointed at a spot on the wall beside it. "You stay right there. You move a muscle, you're not going to be able to see tonight. And then I'm still calling the cops, you get me?"

To his credit, he took her seriously. In fact, the way he ducked his head when he nodded, he looked like a convicted criminal being dressed down by a prison guard.

Emily sat down at her desk. "Speak," she commanded.

Edward took a deep breath and looked to Bella. "I won't ever be able to tell you how sorry I am about what I did and for the vile things I said. You didn't deserve that."

Fury was warring with fear for dominance over her emotional state. Anger was easier, especially when he was right in front of her. "It's not like I don't get how you feel, but yeah, you probably should have used words like a big boy instead of letting your inner psychotic bastard come out."

He sucked in a shaky breath, making even more of a disaster of his hair. "But that's the thing-what I said...it's not how I feel at all. I...First and foremost, it's not my body; it's not my choice. I believe that absolutely, and it should never have occurred to me that I could demand things of you. I'm sorry.

"But beyond that, it...it's something I wanted, once. Something I've thought for a very long time now I couldn't have. I don't know how to explain to you what happened. I'm not a violent man, Bella. I've never touched _anyone _like that, let alone a…" -he closed his eyes briefly- "A pregnant woman. It was...panic, I suppose. I just wasn't expecting that. I'm not trying to make excuses. I'd give anything to be able to go back and react with some degree of rationality. That person wasn't me, and that wasn't who I'd ever want to be."

Bella tightened her arms around herself. "What...What are you saying?" She'd heard his whole speech, of course, but she was kind of stuck on one part. "Are you saying that you actually _want _this kid?"

"I-"

But Bella was already beyond the point she could hear whatever he had to say. "No, no. This isn't what I want. I didn't want to tell you in the first place. I was going to…" She cut off with a whimper and shook her head vehemently, curling backward against the wall. "I don't want to. I don't. But I have to."

"Why do-"

"No. Shut up. Shut up. You're giving me fucking whiplash. You tried to shake the damn thing out of me yesterday, and now you're coming in here with this whole 'I've wanted this for a long time' story? I can't be subject to your moods and whims. I need this to not be happening. I-"

"Bella." He took a step forward, but Emily was already across the room. She took Bella under one arm and pointed at Edward with the other.

"You stay there, asshole. Don't you come near her."

Edward held his hands out, palms up. "Okay. I'm here. And no, Bella. It's your choice. It's all your choice. I didn't know what to think. I don't know what to think, and I don't know the right thing to say, except that I needed you to know. I needed you to know everything before you made any decisions, because I don't want it to be about what I did."

"What else can it be about?" Bella shouted. "Oh, god. I can't do it again. Not for me. I know how this fucking works. I just got my life back, and you want to take it? Because that's what will happen. I have your baby, and I'm stuck. You own me. I want…. I don't want...But I can't…" She gasped, beginning to hyperventilate.

"I lost a baby, okay?" Edward blurted.

Bella looked up, still gasping for breath, but shocked by his words.

"I…" His shoulders fell and he slumped back against the wall. "I had a baby. Xavier. He got sick when he was five months old, and he was gone before he was one." He bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and breathing deeply.

"It's not that I want you to...to terminate the pregnancy," he said, his voice quiet and broken. "I don't know how to explain what came over me. I lost my baby ten years ago, and it's been hard to be around kids since then. I thought he was my one chance, the only baby I'd ever have, and for a moment, I needed this not to be happening."

Bella clung to Emily, still staring at him, trying to catch her breath.

Edward breathed in and out again and looked up at her. "But it is happening, and I needed to be honest with you. That's the least I can give you, after what I did."

With a whimper, Bella broke free of Emily's arms and sunk down with her back against the wall. "Oh, god. You're making me a monster."

"What?" Edward said at the same time Emily said, "Bella."

Bella took a shaky breath, trying to find calm. "How could I do it to you? That's what you're saying now, isn't it? The worst thing that could happen to me is all that shit happening all over again. The worst thing that could happen to you is losing another kid."

"That's not-" Edward began, but he cut himself off. Bella saw the flash of agony that went over his face. It was true regardless of whether or not he wanted it to be. "I wasn't trying to manipulate you. I was just trying to explain that I panicked."

"Because you needed this not to be happening," Bella repeated, her voice dead. She was so tired. "You needed this not to exist so there wouldn't be even a small possibility you could lose that again." She sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "But that's what this is to me, too. The worst thing."

Emily slid down the wall beside her, wrapping her tightly in her arms. Bella rested her head on her friend's shoulder and spoke again, the words. Her pride hardly seemed to matter just then. There was no way out of this that didn't include her total destruction. She had nothing left to lose. "My ex. Mike. He tried to take this choice away from me. He took everything else, and this was the one thing. The one thing, and then…" She shook her head as her throat closed off.

But when she looked at him, there was horror, pain, and most of all, understanding in his eyes. He got it. He understood the impasse they were at. He too sat down on the floor on his side of the room, staring at her with a myriad of emotions flickering through his sad green eyes. They'd made a mess of things, and now it seemed like the only paths they had led to one or both of their undoing.

How could they do this to each other?

After a long minute and a silence as heavy as a cement mixer, Edward spoke softly. "Okay, how about this. Maybe we could spend a little more time together."

Beside her, Emily huffed, but Edward continued. "Let me prove to you I'm not the monster I acted like last night. It _is _your choice, and I promise you, Bella, I'll never blame you for whatever choice you make. But please, have all the facts before you make it. You have some time yet, I think."

"Some," she agreed, voice gravelly.

"You don't have to, Bella," Emily said softly. But by the tone of her voice, Bella could tell at the very least, Edward had made her uncertain of her earlier evaluation that he was an abusive asshole.

"I meant what I said in my note," Edward said. "Regardless of your decision, I'll do anything I can to make up for what I did."

Bella laughed without humor, covering her face with her hands.

God help her, she wanted so much to believe him.

She raised a hand to her arm, pressing purposefully on the tender skin so she could remember the bite of pain, the pure malevolence on his face when he grabbed her. She remembered the way her teeth rattled when he shook her. How he only gripped her tighter when she told him to let go.

How much she wanted to believe it was just a mistake, a reaction to an acute and extreme stress. He could have been the kindest man in the world and this pregnancy wouldn't have been a good thing, but this...

Making the wrong choice again after what she'd already been through could kill her.

The problem was, she had no idea what the right choice was or if it even existed.

She studied him through her fingers.

"One conversation," she said finally. "Outdoors. In public. I can give you that, but that's all I can promise."

Edward took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay."

"I'm going to tell you right now, you step a toe out of line, and I'll hold you down so she can kick your ass," Emily said, completely serious. "And then I have a boyfriend who will rip you to pieces without asking questions if that's what I want. Are we clear on that?"

Bella thought she saw Edward's lip twitch, but he nodded. "That's more than fair."

"That's way more than you deserve, prick."

"I'm not arguing."

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><p><strong>AN: Many, many thanks to Packy2.0, songster, and myonlyheroin for all their help and for painting my doc all kinds of pretty colors. **

**There. I feel a little better about leaving you guys here. Next update will probably be in around two weeks. Thank you so much for your response.**


	5. Chapter 4 - Talk

**A/N: Hola from Tampa. I'm waiting for my time to disembark after a lovely cruise. I came home to an awesome review from Songster over on FicSister's. Mina made me such a gorgeous banner. I'm going to upload it for you when I get home. I'm so glad I have a new chapter ready for you.**

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><p><strong>~April, 11 Years Ago~<strong>

"What the heck are you doing?"

Edward looked up with a halfcocked smile that fell almost instantly. He pushed away from the kitchen table and went to his wife, pushing a damp lock of hair back away from her sickly, pallid face. "Oh, come here, sweetheart." He looped his hands loosely around her waist and pulled her to him.

Kate sighed and rested her head on his shoulder, curling against him. "I don't like this part."

He shifted her in his arms so her back was tight against his chest. He kissed the side of her hair and pressed his palm against her belly. "I don't like it either, but I know something that will make you feel better."

"Are you about to tell me that bad morning sickness means the baby is healthy? Because that's a crock of horseshit anyway. My sister, damn her, wasn't sick a single day, and her baby is healthy and fat."

"I was going to say I was doing some math." He swayed them gently. "If I figured everything right, our little stomach upset should be remedied somewhere around the end of December."

She craned her head up to look at him, a smile tugging at her lips despite the gray-green color of her face. "I hadn't even thought about it. A Christmas baby? Really?"

Edward nuzzled the side of her ear. "It's perfect. Just another reason to love Christmas." He kissed her temple again and then swept her up into his arms.

Kate yelped, wrapped her arms automatically around his neck. "What are you doing?"

"Putting you and my baby to bed," he said, carrying her to their room.

**~April, Present Day~**

Edward walked away from Bella's dorm room in a haze. Nothing felt real. He walked, but he couldn't have said where he was going. He'd broken out in a cold sweat, and as he made his way across the campus, he began to tremble badly. By the time he made it to his brother-in-law's office, his breath was coming in gasps, and his vision was spotty."I think I'm having a heart attack," he said.

Jasper shot up from his desk and was at his side in an instant, a hand to Edward's shoulder. "No. No you're not. Come on. Sit down."

Edward let himself be guided down into a seat. He clutched at his chest, panicky when he found he couldn't take a deep breath.

"You're having a panic attack," Jasper said, his tone calm. He'd moved off to the side but came back now with a water bottle. "Close your eyes. Take slow, even breaths. Try to drink a little when you can. You're going to be fine."

"How the hell do you know?" Edward snapped, but he did what Jasper said.

Jasper squeezed his shoulder and sat down in the chair beside him. "I've run the poetry and creative writing groups on campus since I started here three years ago. There's some truth to the whole tortured artist thing. I've seen my share of panic attacks."

Edward grunted and kept breathing. He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling if not calmer, then at least sure he wasn't going to die.

After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and sat up straight, slumping in his chair. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to swallow past the tightness in his throat. "Is that what Bella is? A tortured artist?"

It was a not-so-subtle way of asking what Jasper knew about Bella. His brother-in-law sighed. "What the hell is going on with you two?"

"You can't tell anyone, Jasper. No one. Not even Alice." Edward groaned. In a way, he wanted badly to tell Alice over anyone. His sister was his best friend. At the same time, though, he didn't want anyone to know what was going on. It was already too big, and he simply couldn't deal with everyone else right now. The thought threatened to send him right back into a panic. "Especially not Alice."

Jasper didn't look happy. "I have a feeling I'm going to regret this, but…" He pointed at a sign on the wall. "You _are _a student here, and this is a designated safe place office. Your secret is as safe with me as anyone else's would be."

Edward slumped forward, his elbows on his knees and his hand to his forehead. "Bella's pregnant."

His brother-in-law was not an easily flappable man, yet at Edward's pronouncement, he gaped, stunned. The silence that yawned between them was the nail in Edward's coffin. Some part of him had hoped, when he said those words, it wouldn't be as bad as he felt it was. After all, he had yet to wrap his head around the concept, and babies were supposed to be a good thing. Jasper could have smiled at the news.

But of course, it was as bad as he felt if not worse.

"Edward, are you telling me you slept with a twenty-year-old college girl?" Jasper said, pronouncing each word with great care.

Edward's breath left him in a gust. "Twenty," he muttered. It wasn't as bad as the eighteen she looked, but it wasn't good. Twenty was still devastatingly young. He rubbed his hand over his face. "It was that first reading. That night."

"You disappeared," Jasper said, still dumbfounded. "You disappeared to have sex with a girl."

"Christ, that's not what happened."

He didn't know what to say from there. Obviously, he'd never intended to sleep with her. "All I wanted to do was tell her that her poem…" He didn't know how to explain that either, how her words had stirred something deep and dormant inside of him, something he'd let settle long ago that had been there since his son had died. He shook his head. "But there was some stupid prick who couldn't take a hint bothering her."

Edward gave a brief summary of the encounter—just the facts. How Bella had refused his coat, and he'd agreed to coffee because it seemed like the only way to get her warm again. He left out most of it. Bella was a contradiction. One moment she seemed so fragile he'd have given his life to protect her. The next, she seemed so self-assured and dangerous, he had no doubt she could destroy him. He couldn't say he hadn't been, at the least, intrigued.

"I didn't seduce her," Edward said. "She kissed me and then it happened very fast."

"Fast enough you didn't use protection."

Edward grimaced. The thought _had _crossed his mind, albeit briefly. He'd assumed Bella would tell him if they needed to use something. The few women he'd been with since Kate had been very upfront about what they needed. But he wasn't going to say that to Jasper. It wasn't Bella's fault. After all, he didn't know her any better than she knew him. He should have been using protection regardless. And besides that, she was terribly young. Women her age often didn't know enough about protection or were too embarrassed to bring it up.

"I'm sorry," Jasper said. "I'm not being helpful. I just keep thinking you're going to tell me you're kidding. No wonder her friend sounded like she was going to rip your balls off."

Bile rose to Edward's throat, and he had to swallow it down. Before he'd left Bella's room, Emily had made sure he saw her bruises. He was pretty sure Emily's ire had more to do with that, and he told Jasper so, explaining what he'd done.

His brother-in-law whistled. "Jesus Christ. I mean, when she came in here and said to tell you she'd take care of it, I kind of figured this was what she was talking about. But I guess I didn't believe it until right now." He clapped Edward's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Am I okay?" Edward asked, incredulous. "I just told you I hurt one of your students, a pregnant woman, and you're asking me if I'm okay?"

Jasper tilted his head. "In moments of extreme stress, we do irrational things. I'm not excusing you. Obviously, there's no excuse for any kind of physical violence, but you already know that. I'm betting I can't say anything worse to you than what you're already telling yourself. I also know you're not going to go off and beat the hell out of her. So what's left?" His tone gentled. "I can't imagine this is easy for you."

Edward's throat was too closed to speak. He just shook his head.

"I won't tell anyone until you're ready. I'm here for you, brother."

_**~0~**_

Panic was beginning to loosen its hold on Edward's thoughts. That was both a blessing and a curse, but it meant he had about a million questions for Bella.

He had, however, given up the right to ask his questions freely when he assaulted Bella. He had to think of her first. It wasn't her job to make him more comfortable. Since he had no idea what, if anything, he could do about the big picture, he had decided to concentrate on one thing at a time. First and foremost, he wanted Bella to be able to trust him at least enough to not be scared of him. He didn't want to be the sole reason she chose to terminate the pregnancy.

They'd agreed to meet at the same coffee shop they'd talked at the first time. She looked much as she had that first night—the same shoes and style. She had her hands wrapped around her shoulders when she walked in, but when she saw him she stood up straighter and strode over with a swagger in her step. The message was clear. She wasn't going to be bowed by him.

It made his heart ache that she thought it was necessary. He would have pulled her seat out for her but thought better of it, choosing to remain seated as she sat across from him.

He cleared his throat. "Will you let me get you something? Have you had lunch? They have good sandwiches or maybe a pastry."

Edward had to press his tongue to the roof of his mouth to stop talking. He couldn't deny the strong urge to take care of her. She looked piqued, though whether that was from fear or pregnancy he couldn't tell.

Her eyes narrowed the slightest bit as though she were trying to read him. "I can get my own."

"I know you can, but I have to get my order anyway." He looked up at her from under his eyelashes so she would see he wasn't playing any games. He wasn't an idiot. No doubt he'd scared her, shaking her as he had, but whatever was going on with her went much deeper than anything he'd done to her. "Lunch is the least of what I owe you."

"Just coffee," she said after a long pause.

Edward opened his mouth and shut it again but not quickly enough. She must have read his disapproval because irritation flickered across her face. "Decaf," she amended, figuring out what his problem was.

He nodded and went to go stand in line, once again trying to think straight. It was instinct for him to want her to take care of herself and the baby, but he knew he had no rights to tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing. At the same time, there was a part of him whose instinct it was to distance himself from anything about the pregnancy for many reasons, not the least of which was what it would do to him if she did decide to terminate. But if she didn't decide to terminate, what then? The thought of having another baby filled him with an odd emotion he couldn't quite put his finger on. It was dread, fear, anger, and a desperate need for all of this not to be happening.

A few minutes later, he returned to the table with two cups of coffee and two scones, one of which he set in front of her without comment.

"I don't know where to start," Edward said when a minute had passed in uncomfortable silence. "I'm sure you—"

"Are you married?"

The question caught Edward off guard, and he wanted to be pissed she would even ask. But once again, he reminded himself she knew practically nothing about him, and she had every reason to believe he was an asshole.

"No. I'm not. I was." Yet another knot raised to his throat as he thought about his ex-wife. "Our marriage didn't survive the loss of our son."

She looked at him finally, and he was almost surprised to see the compassion in her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, cradling the coffee cup between her hands. "Will you tell me about her?"

Part of Edward wanted to scream that it wasn't any of her business, but his anger wasn't for her. He didn't like thinking or talking about his life with Kate. However, he'd promised Bella, when she agreed to meet with him, that he would be completely honest, and he thought he could understand why she would want to know about his relationship. "We met when we were seniors here at NAU. It was an electrical engineering class." He glanced up at her. "That's what I do for a living, by the way. I'm an engineer."

She nodded to let him know she was listening, and he went on. "We had a hands-on lab. I did…something. I can't remember what now, but it set off an electrical reaction. Kate helped me get everything back under control." His lips twitched. "She always liked to say that when we met, sparks literally flew.

"That's actually a good way to describe her. She has a very electric personality. Charged, if that makes sense. She's very smart and witty."

Bella began to pick raisins out of her scone. She still hadn't eaten a bite. "It sounds like you care about her."

He thought about that and chose his words carefully. "We didn't divorce because we hated each other. We just…broke. After Xavier passed away, I wasn't a very good husband, and she wasn't a very good wife. They say you should grieve together." He heard the hint of bitterness in his tone, and he took a drink of coffee, trying to push it down. "I think going through that made us strangers to each other.

"She moved to Phoenix and remarried about four years ago," he said absently. "Garrett Damon. He sounds like a nice guy. They uh…They have two girls. Tanya, who's named after Kate's sister, and Irina. My mother keeps up with Kate, and I see her twice a year."

His stopped talking then, the ever-present dull ache in his chest becoming a sharp twist. He didn't want to have to tell Bella when he saw his ex-wife—on the anniversary of Xavier's death and on his birthday about a week later. He didn't want to think about her holding newborn Irina the way she once held their son, and he especially didn't want to think about Tanya. Tanya who was older than Xavier ever got to be.

Bella didn't ask him to elaborate. She glanced at him, the expression so furtive it perplexed him until she spoke again. "How old were you when you got married?"

Ah, he thought he knew where this was going as well. She looked so young to him. He wondered what he looked like to her. "We dated through graduate school and married when we were twenty-four. We had Xavier when we were twenty-five."

She looked away at that, worrying her lip between her teeth. "So you're what? Thirty-five?"

"I'll be thirty-seven in June."

Most days, Edward felt like he was sixty years old at least. Watching her face go even paler than it had been, he felt ancient. A seventeen year age gap was daunting from both sides, he figured. He wondered if it was enough to label him as lecherous but bit back an urge to tell her that he'd never meant to look at her that way. He'd stick his foot in his mouth faster than quick if he tried.

Not for the first time, he wondered what their night together had meant to her.

The few times he'd ended up in a woman's bed or she in his, it had always been a mutual exchange. His sex drive wasn't overactive, but it did exist. And he was lonely. His liaisons over the last ten years had been with women on the same page. They shared a few hours and went their separate ways, because a few hours was all he had in him.

Bella had been very different. There was something there between them, and Edward couldn't put his finger on what it was. The magnetism that had drawn them together wasn't about physical attraction, and it wasn't about pleasure. It was more powerful than that.

At least, it had been for him.

"I'll be twenty-one," Bella said, bringing him out of his consternation. "In September." She gave a small laugh, tapping on her lips in a distracted way. "I guess I still won't be able to drink."

Edward's heart sped. He looked at her, but she was looking away, her fingers tapping a restless tempo. "Bella…" he started, but he didn't know how to finish.

"I don't know what I'm doing yet." She wiped at a single tear that had gathered at the corner of her eye.

"Do you…" Edward swallowed down a wave of nausea, not at all sure how to feel about what he had to say but knowing he had to do it anyway. "Not for my sake," he said. "I mean, don't keep it for my sake."

She looked up at him with a spark of fire in her eyes. "If I keep it, it won't be because of you." Her fierce expression fell, and she slumped backward in her chair. "I want children, but I wanted them on my terms." She had crumbled her scone to bits by that point. Now, she was pulverizing the crumbs to silt. "Mike tried to make it his choice, and I thought I got away from that."

Edward sat up straighter. He had no idea who this Mike character was or just how he'd hurt the girl in front of him. Her mutterings about him since he'd awokened in her bed to the sounds of her nightmare were cryptic to say the least. He understood that whatever happened between her and Mike made this pregnancy especially traumatizing, but he didn't know how. "Will you tell me about him?" he asked, making sure to keep his tone free of inflection.

Another tear slipped down her cheek, but she didn't wipe that one way. She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." Edward paused, tapping his fingertips against his long cold, still-full cup of coffee. "I have to go. I have to be back at work. Meetings, you know," he said, realizing belatedly that no, she didn't know. "Do you think we can see each other again?"

She craned her head to look up at him, her expression searching. "Because you want to or because you think you have to?" she asked, and he couldn't read the context of her tone.

Edward considered his answer for a handful of moments. "Both," he said, offering her a small smile.

The more time he spent with her, the more he wanted to know about her. Under other circumstances, maybe if they'd met at work, they might have become good friends. Despite the situation, she was remarkably easy to talk to, especially for such a young woman. But it was his need to do right by her, to take responsibility that drove most of his actions at that point. For himself, he didn't know what he wanted or how he wanted this all to end.

Bella took a shuddering breath and rummaged through her bag. She took out a small notebook and a pen. "Give me your phone number."

He flipped through the notebook, noticing a few words here and there that suggested this was where she wrote bits and pieces of her poetry. He was curious. It was like being offered a glimpse of a favorite artist's inner process, but he didn't dare pause to read. Instead, he found a blank page and wrote his number.

"I'll text you," she said, and it didn't escape his notice she didn't offer her number. The idea made him a little nervous. Whatever happened, he didn't want her to disappear into thin air.

But he was asking her to trust him; he needed to return the favor. "Then I hope I'll see you soon."

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><p><strong>AN: Many thanks to Songster and Barburella for being so lovely as to look at this before I even got off the ship!**

**A little chatting. What are we thinking right now?**


	6. Chapter 5 - Choice

**A/N: Hello, lovelies. A quick note to my Angel Is A Centerfold readers. I haven't forgotten about you. I just haven't had time to breathe since I got back from vacation. Yesterday, I had a lull in work (does anyone work the day before a holiday?!), and I was able to write, but I won't write Angel at work. I do have SOME lines. Hah. Anyway. Update soon. Promise.**

**Now. I'd just like to say, on this American holiday of thanks, that I'm incredibly thankful for all you readers. I'm very sorry I don't have the time to respond to your reviews. They're so lovely, and they make me very happy. Thank you for all your feedback, all your love, and even thanks to all of my ornery anons who give me some things to think about.**

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><p><em><strong>~About Three Years Ago~<strong>_

Bella's cheeks burned, and she couldn't look up at the nurse taking her initial information.

The nurse put a hand on her knee, sitting on the stool so she could look up at Bella. "Tell me what you need. I promise no one here is going to judge you."

Bella did her best to sit up straight. There was no reason for anyone to judge her. She was doing the responsible thing, and there wasn't anything wrong with that. "Is there…" She had to clear her throat, and despite her internal monologue, she still found it difficult to look the woman in the eyes. "There are different kinds of birth control. Other than the pill, right?"

The nurse nodded. "Yes, there's more than the pill out there. They all have their pluses and minuses."

"But for a lot of them, like the shot or whatever, someone has to call, right? They leave a message?"

Awareness flickered through the nurse's eyes. "Tell me what you're worried about," she said, her tone even and, as promised, lacking judgment.

"I'm not worried," Bella said, defensive anyway. "My boyfriend just worries for me. Like you said, there are pluses and minuses for every form of birth control. I'm just trying to avoid an argument, that's all." That was a perfectly adult thing to do. Mike was overprotective, that was all. He knew that any form of birth control could potentially wreak havoc on a woman's body. That was true of practically anything, but it was sweet of him to be so concerned. "He's been, uh… He's been pulling out. That's probably enough. I'm probably being paranoid."

"It's not paranoid to want to use protection," the nurse said, her tone firm. "This is your body, and you know best how to take care of your own needs." She leaned forward, her face and tone still devoid of any condescension or judgment. "Honey, if you're ready to leave him, we can help you."

Bella's heart hammered in her chest. She crossed her arms, indignant. "I don't know what you're talking about. All I want is birth control."

"Okay," the woman said simply. "The doctor's going to come in, and she's going to explain the options we have available for you."

_**~Now - Mid-May~**_

"Bella?"

Bella blinked rapidly, realizing Emily had been calling her name for a while now. "What?"

Her friend bumped her shoulder. "How are you?"

Taking a deep breath, Bella looked around, considering the question.

She'd been seventeen when she first visited a Planned Parenthood, and they had been amazing. True to their word, they had never judged her. In retrospect, Bella winced at what an idiot she must have sounded like, making excuses, as if it was normal for her boyfriend to be angry at her wanting birth control. The doctor had read between the lines of her worried questions and helped her settle on an invisible method of birth control. She'd also made sure Bella's file indicated that the shouldn't be called for a follow-up appointment when she needed to renew her birth control. No messages, no e-mails. It was printed in big, bold letters so Mike would never have to know she'd been there at all.

"I don't know how I am," she said to Emily. "I feel like I want the doctor to tell me all the tests were wrong and the barfing is just from normal anxiety." She shivered and rubbed her shoulders. "It doesn't help that I keep remembering. Being here like this, it feels like Mike won."

It had taken her too long to figure out she shouldn't have been so scared of her boyfriend finding out she'd gone on birth control.

Emily hugged her. "He's an asshole." She made a grudging grunt and rolled her eyes. "Edward...I don't know about you, but he's winning me over. Slightly. A little bit. At least enough that I don't think he's the same kind of asshole Mike was. Although that might not be saying much. What kind of a crazy ass is so adamant that his seventeen-year-old girlfriend have a baby?"

Bella shuddered, wrapping her arms around her middle. "He didn't want to have a baby. In fact, I'm pretty sure he would have been pissed if I'd actually gotten pregnant. Fucking prick." She drew her legs up onto her seat, curling in on herself. "He wanted to control me. Everything about me. He wanted control of my body."

It had taken a lot of therapy for her to accept what Mike had done to her and why. And why she'd let it happen.

"I know this isn't the same thing," she said, hating the tremor in her voice. "I believe Edward when he tells me this is my choice, and he's not going to do anything to take it away from me, but it all feels connected. Like Mike was right."

"Right about what?"

Bella closed her eyes, taking a deep, calming breath. "He said he made so many decisions for me because I was young and stupid, and he said I was lucky he was there to take care of me."

"You know it's him who was stupid, right?"

"Is it? That night, with Edward, I wanted the decision to be mine. I'm so sick of how much what Mike did still controls me. I hate how much power he has over me. So I made a choice. It was my choice and look what happened."

"Hey, stop it." Emily grasped her firmly by the shoulders, giving her the slightest of shakes. "We're all stupid, okay? All of us. It's just life, Bella. That's all it is. It's only assholes like Mike who think they're better at life than the rest of us, and you know better than that. Right?" She smoothed Bella's hair away from her face.

"I know," Bella said, sniffling hard to keep tears at bay. "What I know and how I feel are two different things."

Emily snorted. "Yeah, I get that." She touched a fingertip to the jagged scar that pulled at the corner of her eye. "I feel like an idiot every time I look in the mirror."

"You're not."

"I know. And you're not either." Emily gave a satisfied nod, and Bella smiled. A little.

"Isabella Swan?" a voice called, startling Bella despite the fact she'd been waiting for it. Her stomach twisted, and a cold sweat broke out on her skin.

Emily took her hand. "Come on, hon. We're just getting information, remember? It's going to be okay."

_**~0~**_

Twiddling with the envelope on her lap, Bella tried to remember why the hell she'd thought going to school in Arizona was a good idea. Of course, when she'd been considering schools, the state's abortion laws hadn't occurred to her.

"I guess there is a bright side to this whole fucked up mess," Bella had said to Emily when they left the clinic. "I'm beginning to figure out what I want to do with my life. Can you get a degree in being a women's advocate?" She blanched. "If I ever get to finish school."

Not for the first time, Bella shook that thought away and glanced at her cell phone. Edward was supposed to meet her in a few minutes. Though thinking about Edward wasn't exactly a distracting thought. In fact, it only increased her anxiety. Then again, what didn't?

The last month hadn't been kind to her. She'd lost enough weight that her gaunt appearance was beginning to frighten her. Whether it was normal morning sickness or extreme stress, she couldn't tell. The doctor had helped her come up with a list of foods she could stand for the time being and had prescribed her supplements to take along with the pre-natal vitamins.

"Take the supplements even if you decide to terminate the pregnancy. They'll help," the doctor had said. "Either way what's most important is that you take care of your physical and mental health."

There wasn't much hope for her mental well-being, but Bella, scared at how she could feel the knobs over her spine, had promised herself she'd let Edward buy her a bland lunch.

It was only by some small miracle, and a lot of encouragement from both Emily and Edward, that her grades hadn't plummeted. She found it difficult to concentrate, but Emily had helped her study, and Edward had gently encouraged her when he knew she needed to finish a paper.

Against all odds, Edward had been a bright spot for the last two weeks or so. He was the epitome of her first impression of him: kind and good. Sometimes, it scared her more than anything that she enjoyed him as much as she did.

She hadn't seen him in those two weeks, which was her decision. She could admit to herself she was testing him from a safe distance away, keeping their interaction to texts only. But over two weeks, he hadn't shown any sign of impatience, and he hadn't pushed her. He'd kept their conversation light, chatting back and forth about his job and her classes. She had a job too, working in the admissions office as a student aide, and he'd been surprisingly interested in her anecdotes.

It was all eerily, disconcertingly normal.

Bella looked up at a tap on her car window. She looked up to find Edward smiling at her.

He really did have a beautiful smile.

Bella looked away under the guise of getting out of the car. She hadn't known until she saw him again that she'd forgiven him for his reaction. More than that, she believed he wasn't a violent man. And that thought made her, for the millionth time that day and possibly the trillionth time since this whole mess had begun, think she was very stupid.

Was this a lesson she had to learn again?

Something in the marrow of her bones told her Edward was nothing like Mike had been, and just then, she had to trust that or she would go crazy.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," she said, the word cracking around the edges as her mouth went dry.

Though she had asked him to meet her with this specific purpose in mind, it didn't hit her until right then what she was about to do. She understood now, well and truly, what it meant when people said that their lives were destroyed by an unplanned pregnancy. It was exactly that-pure destruction. No matter what choice she made, a few hours in the dark with this man had altered both of their lives.

Edward's small smile fell, and he took a step toward her before he stopped himself. "Are you okay? You've gone pale on me."

Her heart gave a flutter, and she leaned back against her car. "I've, uh…" She scoffed, shaking her head at herself. She couldn't see the point in small talk. She needed this conversation to be over and done with. "I've made a decision to make a decision."

His breath stuttered, and the blood drained from his face, but he only nodded at her. "Okay. What does that mean?"

"It means I can't live like this. I need to know what I'm going to do."

"What I told you before-"

"Don't tell me it's my choice. I already know that." Bella took a deep breath, trying to quell the nervous irritation rising in her. "Don't pretend that my choice won't affect you.'

Edward didn't answer right away. He shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned against the car, near her but giving her plenty of space. "Of course it's going to affect me, but there's no getting around that."

To her surprise, he laughed. It wasn't a happy sound. "I was thinking about my brother. I have an older brother. I don't think I ever told you that."

Of course he hadn't. Neither of them had said anything very personal in the last two weeks. "You didn't tell me," she said.

"There's a point to this, I swear." He stared off into the distance, his jaw tense for a moment before he spoke. "Emmett has four kids. From three different mothers, none of whom are his wife, by the way, but that's neither here nor there. He started having kids when he was seventeen."

"Jesus," Bella said, startled by the idea.

Edward nodded. "All of that is a long story. The main point is that his kids were the result of three very unplanned pregnancies. I think pregnancy is a trying condition even in the best of circumstances, but if it's not a good thing, it can be nine months of torture. It was for Emmett's first girlfriend. Her parents forced her to keep the baby when she didn't want to, and her mental health suffered for it."

He looked up at her. "That's why you can't think of me. If it's not something you can bear, it would be too cruel to subject you to something as physically altering as pregnancy. So please- do what's best for you, and I'll support your decision."

"But I don't know what's best for me," she shouted, frustrated. She dug the heel of her palm into her eyes, willing herself not to cry. "You know what the stupidest thing is? I want to believe in fucking fairy tales. I want to want this baby. Because I do want kids someday, and part of me wants to say fuck it. Why not now? I want to believe this can all end up happily ever after."

"That's not stupid."

"It is stupid." She pushed up off the car, pacing a few steps away and running her hand through her hair. "What the hell am I going to do with a baby? What am I going to do? Put it in a drawer in my dorm room? I don't even live in Arizona."

He was visibly taken aback by that. "You don't live here?"

"Technically, I live in Washington with my father. So what am I going to do? Drop out of school and beg him to take us in? It's crazy. It's crazy to even think about this. I've got a minimum wage job at twenty hours a week. And that's a student job. I have to be a student to keep it."

"Bella."

The sound of his voice at least caught her attention, and she turned to look at him. He wasn't looking at her, and when he spoke, his voice was sandpaper-rough. "You're right. Whatever happens, it's not going to be a fairytale, but that being said, you should at least have some facts."

She watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed several times, obviously struggling. Still, his tone was sincere when he spoke. "After Xavier, I needed a lot of distractions. I threw myself into my job." She thought she saw bitterness cross his features, but his voice remained steady. "The long and short of it is, I'm paid very well for what I do. I have more than enough to support a family, and I haven't had a family to spend it on. If you want to keep the baby, I can and will support you so you can finish school."

For a few seconds, Bella was sure she'd heard him wrong. "That's insane."

"It's not." He seemed to sway where he stood, his face about as pale as hers. "Look. We can both agree that one way or another, this is going to be hard."

"Impossible," she muttered.

He nodded, rubbing his hands together in a fitful gesture. "I can't promise you a happily-ever-after. You'd know I was lying, for one thing, and I don't know. I don't know how...and if…" He closed his eyes and tried again. "But some things are just fact. There are a lot of things to worry about, but money doesn't have to be one of them."

Bella looked away, trying to figure out what the hell to think. He was right. There was so much to worry about. She screwed her eyes up tight and wished with everything in her that she had all the answers. Would the stress of having a baby after the trauma of losing his son turn Edward back into the monster she'd already glimpsed? Was he misleading her or manipulating her in some way she hadn't figured?

Could he love a baby the way every child deserved to be loved?

Could she?

Both he and the doctor had mentioned her mental health, and she understood what they meant. The loss of control had already sent her into a tailspin. What would this pregnancy do to her? She'd already hit rock bottom once in her life. Was it possible to fall further than that?

She knew better than to think she could ask any of those questions out loud. He wouldn't have been able to answer honestly any more than she could. They didn't know. Neither of them knew if they could handle this.

Yet what they hadn't spoken about, what Bella had been turning over and over in her head since she found out she was pregnant, was if either of them could handle the alternative.

In a matter of days, Bella could just be not pregnant. She could go back to her old life.

Every time she thought of it, her heart twisted so hard she thought it would shatter in her chest.

How often, when she was piecing herself together again after Mike, had she sat and thought about the children she would have some day? Her parents had made so many mistakes, so many choices that had left her vulnerable. She thought about the right and wrong ways her parents had loved her, and she had dreamed about the day she could break the cycle.

Maybe it was those daydreams that made the idea of losing this baby so terrible.

But…

If…

Jesus Christ. She shouldn't have to be this completely aware that she was making a decision that would last the rest of her life. That was too big. She was still so fucked up.

How could...

And when…

Breathing hard, Bella whirled and opened her car door. She scrambled inside, reaching for the envelope she'd put to the side before she got out. Her hands shook horribly as she got ahold of it.

"_I'm really sorry," the doctor said when she informed Bella she would have to have an ultrasound. "If you choose to keep the pregnancy, we would perform an ultrasound at this stage anyway. But if you choose to abort, by Arizona law, we have to perform an ultrasound anyway. You don't have to look at it, but I do have to give it to you."_

Bella sniffled as she turned back to Edward. "I didn't want to look. Not if I was going to…" As she spoke, she'd been trying to get the envelope open. She ended up ripping it somewhat savagely. "Um. So this is our kid."

The words sounded awkward-so strange. But as she said them, at least some part of her lightened in relief, as though she'd found the calm eye of the storm. Yes, painful uncertainty and terrible fear still raged around her, but she'd found some peace in the decision at least.

She didn't look at the image. Neither did Edward. He was white as a sheet, and she could see he was trembling just as badly as she was. His nostrils flared as he took unsteady breaths in and out, holding her gaze in a moment so intense, she nearly choked on it. Slowly, he cast his eyes down, and she followed suit.

They both stared. After a moment, Edward lifted his hand and brushed his fingers briefly over the blob. That's all it was-a blob bouncing around inside a really big bean. But for all it didn't really look like anything yet, it was so much. Too much. Sorrow and fear. Rage that it had to happen this way. But also protectiveness and hope.

She wanted so much to hope.

"Bella?"

Hearing the strangled way he said her name, Bella gasped, realizing she hadn't breathed in a while. Her head spun, and she had to brace herself against the car. "What?" The word was a whisper.

Beside her, Edward too seemed to be struggling to breathe. "Can I hug you?"

A hug. Yes. She needed a hug. She didn't answer out loud. Instead she took one step to the side, wrapped her arms around his waist, image still clutched in her hand, and buried her head against his chest.

She didn't cry. She didn't want to cry. She was too overwhelmed to do anything but shake. But she knew without having to ask that Edward was on the same page-overwhelmed and unsure and scared out of his mind. Pressed up against him, she could feel the tremors that wracked his body. They swayed, but they didn't let each other go.

For a few minutes, they held each other up.

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><p><strong>AN: Ahhh. I finished this at three in the morning last night and sent a quick note to my betas saying hhhheeeeeyyy if you can spare a minute away from your families. **

**They did! I am so spoiled. And very thankful for songster, jessypt, and barburella. And Mina who made me a gorgeous banner for this story. I've uploaded it to my photobucket. The link is on my profile. LOVE IT.**

**Love you. So how are we feeling? A bit of hope for Thanksgiving?**


	7. Chapter 6 - Dinner

**A/N: Quick note to my Angel readers. It's been a very hectic few weeks. I haven't forgotten about ya, I'm only getting little bursts of writing time, and I'm writing what's speaking to me readily. As we all know, Angel Edward is very recalcitrant with me. LOL**

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><p><em><strong>~Early May, Eleven Years Ago~<strong>_

Edward loved Christmas.

It was a Cullen thing. Every year, his family went just a little overboard. Carlisle and Alice started planning elaborate light and lawn set-ups in June. Esme and Edward kept the house smelling like gingerbread and other treats all December long. Emmett. Well, Edward's older brother was the grunt. He followed instructions and ate all the cookies. On Christmas morning, he was the one banging on everyone's door as soon as the sun was up to see what Santa brought.

And it didn't matter that none of the Cullen kids believed in Santa after the age of six. Santa came anyway.

Edward loved it all. He loved how everything smelled and tasted of peppermint. He loved going with the family to pick out a Christmas tree. He loved the blinking lights, and yes, he loved the commercial business of it. He liked giving gifts. There might as well be an official season to do it in.

When he and Alice were fourteen, seventeen-year-old Emmett had his first baby. Generally speaking, the situation was drama, but by the time Christmas rolled around, everyone was excited. Baby Aiden had Baby's First Christmas everything. He was the star of the show on Christmas morning.

It was an image that stuck with Edward the rest of his life: his big brother holding his tiny son as Aiden, cozy in his red and green first christmas footy jammies, giggled with pure delight at the sound of ripping wrapping paper.

Being only fourteen, it was a vague vision of the future back then, but Edward knew he wanted this some day. As much as he loved Christmas, he thought it would be even better when he could share his joy with his own baby.

Twenty-four now, and an adult, Edward and Kate, who shared his love of Christmas, were stoked to find their baby's due date was December 25 exactly.

"Bro, just tell me you're not going to name it something ridiculous," Emmett said. "I know a Holly Noelle, and she's not amused, okay?"

Edward reached out and Emmett's two-year-old daughter, his fourth and youngest child, leaned out of her father's arms, grasping for her uncle. Edward settled her against his hip and kissed the tip of her nose. "What's your name?"

"April May," she said, smiling winningly. She had been born on April 30th.

Edward looked at his brother and raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, I'm lucky Jessica let me see the kid the day she was born. That name wasn't my choice, and you know it."

Emmett had four kids from three different mothers. Jessica insisting on naming the baby was the least of the drama he'd faced.

"If it's a girl, we're not going to name it Holly," Edward said, kissing the tip of his niece's nose and imagining a pretty girl with Kate's blond hair.

"Kris Kringle is also a horrible boy's name," Emmett said.

Edward rolled his eyes.

_**~Present Day~**_

For a few days after Bella decided to keep the baby, Edward shut himself away from the world. He called in sick to work that Thursday and Friday. It wasn't far from the truth. Anyone would have thought it was him suffering from morning sickness. He was as queasy and pale as Bella was.

Long stretches of time seemed to warp and disappear as he tried to distract himself with books and television. None of it worked. He couldn't help reliving moments from the ancient past, remembering his excitement at the prospect of being a daddy the first time. They were horribly bittersweet memories given how it all turned out, and now…

Edward's phone chimed and he stared at it for a full minute before he moved to pick it up. Another text from Jasper. Edward had told him when, after two weeks of keeping her distance, Bella wanted to speak to him. Since then, he'd kept up a steady stream of texts with seemingly random bits of information, not pushing but simply letting him know he was there.

It took Edward another minute before the words on the screen sunk in. Open the door, was all it said.

Curious, Edward hauled himself up off his couch and went to the door. Sure enough, when he opened it, he found his brother-in-law on his porch. He narrowed his eyes and toyed with the idea of slamming the door in Jasper's face before deciding that would be out of line. Instead, he stepped back, admitting him. "How long have you been standing out there, and why didn't you knock?"

"I'm not in any rush. Alice is crabby at me." He shrugged. "I'm on adult time-out."

Alice had a habit of suddenly remembering she needed some obscure item from the store when Jasper pissed her off. Edward smiled at that, missing his sister badly for a moment.

"I haven't been out there long. Maybe ten minutes."

Edward frowned at that. Had he really stared at the phone for that long before he picked it up? He rubbed his eyes as they sat in the living room. "What are you doing here?"

"You're a smart man, Edward. You know the answer to that question. I've been patient, but now I'm worried."

Edward hummed in acknowledgment, swallowing past the automatic tightening in his throat. He pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting another wave of nausea. "Bella decided to keep the baby."

They were remarkably difficult words to say, though he was sure had she made the other choice, those words would have been just as difficult, if not more so.

Jasper nodded, his face unreadable but not surprised. "Okay. What does that mean for you?"

Edward's heart began to pound in a too-quick rhythm. "I don't know."

When Edward didn't elaborate further than that, Jasper spoke again, his tone soft. "Have you considered at all that this could be a good thing?"

Edward's head shot up, and he narrowed his eyes. Before he could start yelling, Jasper raised a placating hand. "I know all the reasons it isn't a great thing, but have you considered the reasons it could be good?" His expression softened, and he put a hand to Edward's arm. "You were a good father, and you liked being a father."

"I'm Xavier's father," Edward snapped, his throat so tight now the ache was almost unbearable.

"Having another baby doesn't mean you stop being Xavier's father. You-"

"I can't think about that right now," Edward said, the words coming out in a rush. "I know it isn't fair, but I can't think about...the other yet. I can't think that far ahead." There were so many unknowns, so many variables in the situation by itself without considering the fact Edward didn't know if he could this at all. And even that wasn't a choice he could live with. If he couldn't bear to see this child, to be a father, then what? Would he force Bella into single motherhood? Was this baby going to have only a child-support check for a father?

He shook his head hard, feeling as though he was going to start hyperventilating. He didn't want to have another panic attack. "I know that's bad," he said, hating how his voice was thin and shaky.

"It's not bad. It's early, right? When is she due?"

Edward slumped forward, resting his elbows on his knees and pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He laughed, the sound horribly bitter. "December 20th."

"Oh. Well, crap."

"Yeah. On top of being a fucking idiot, I have spectacular timing."

"Let's not go down that road right now. If the big picture is overwhelming, how about the small picture? What's the next step?"

Edward huffed, but he was calming down. Usually he found his brother-in-law's maddening rationality a trifle irritating, but right now he couldn't help but be soothed. It was no wonder troubled students flocked to Jasper.

Would Bella have gone to him for comfort and advice if he hadn't been Edward's family?

"It's selfish of me to be so focused on myself," he said, straightening up and staring forward. "I don't know all of what's going on with Bella, but I'm worried this pregnancy will be traumatic for her." He rubbed the back of his head. "She's letting me help. A little. She let me bring her lunch the last couple of days, which is good because she's losing way too much weight.'

"So talking is going well?"

Edward nodded and sighed. "Sometimes I forget. Why we're talking at all, I mean. She's easy to talk to."

"Hmm."

Catching an odd note to Jasper's hum of acknowledgement, Edward looked to the side. "What?"

"Nothing, really. I was just thinking about the way she is in the club. She's really quiet, Edward. I haven't really seen her talk to anyone." Jasper raised an eyebrow, appraising him. "And you smiled when you said that. Do you realize that?"

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing. It was just an observation. Either way, it's a good thing. It's good that she's leaning on you. I know you're having a hard time with this, but I also know you'll take care of her as much as she'll let you. That's just the kind of guy you are."

"Right," Edward said, his tone wry. "Such a great guy."

Jasper clucked his tongue and got to his feet. "Well, anyway. Come on."

"Come on?" Edward looked up at his brother-in-law, confused.

"Have you looked in the mirror lately? Bella isn't the only one losing weight. So come on. Let's get you fed."

"I'm not hungry."

"No shit, Sherlock." Jasper grabbed him by his arm and hauled him to his feet anyway. "Come on. Try. It's Mom's birthday next weekend, and as I assume you're still on the not telling anyone bandwagon, you need to eat before then. You look gaunt, man. She's going to notice." When Edward still didn't move, Jasper narrowed his eyes. "Edward, you can't possibly thinking of not going to Mom's birthday."

Despite his estrangement, Edward hadn't missed either of his parents' birthdays. He felt guilty for even thinking about it. "Of course not," he said, not fooling anyone. "I'll go. Of course I'll go."

"Then let's go eat."

_**~0~**_

Almost a week later, and Edward was beginning to at least put one foot in front of the other again. He worked and managed to feed himself without too much prompting from Jasper. He'd long since dropped the history course he'd been taking just for the hell of it.

Jasper was right. One step at a time was manageable. Get up, dress for work, go to work, lunch. He could handle that. After work, he brought Bella dinner. It was getting closer to finals. Emily, caught up in her own classes and end-of-year school work, wasn't around very much. Maybe that was why Bella seemed to appreciate Edward's company.

On Friday, he offered to take her out. Save for one visit to Planned Parenthood and meeting him afterward, she hadn't been anywhere but her dorm room and her classes for going on three weeks now. To his surprise, she agreed. And she let him pick her up too.

Not for the first time, he wondered if she'd forgiven him for shaking her out of necessity or because she was truly that forgiving. Either way, she seemed to be getting more comfortable with him, and that, at least, was some solace.

He laughed when she told him her request, and the sound startled both of them. Bella recovered first, though. "What? Why are you laughing at me?" she asked, sounding tired as usual but amused.

"You've been eating the blandest food known to man for over a week now, and today you want Indian food."

"Well for once my stomach isn't threatening to turn itself inside out."

"And you think spicy food is the way to reward it."

"Hey, chicken tikka masala isn't spicy. Oh, vindaloo is though. That sounds good."

Edward chuckled again, but he was glad she seemed eager to eat.

"You look very nice today," he said when they got out of the car and he fell into step beside her. Not only was it true, but as he hadn't seen her wear anything but jeans and oversized sweaters for a while now, he figured she'd gone out of her way to look good. She was wearing something similar to what she had the night they met, though her platform boots had been replaced by regular boots. With her little bit of eye makeup, she looked fierce again.

She crossed her arms and ducked her head, seeming shy. "I figured you probably would appreciate it if I didn't look like a homeless chick you picked up off the street."

He paused just as they got to the door and touched her arm briefly. "Bella, I've never seen you not look pretty." And that was the simple truth. Dressed down, she looked more vulnerable, maybe more the girl she was, but never someone he'd be ashamed being with.

It didn't escape Edward's notice that the host put them in an intimate booth. He didn't know how he felt about that, but he didn't think about it for long. He was quickly distracted by the light in Bella's eyes as she looked over the menu. He tried to remember the last time he'd seen the spark of happiness in her eyes. Once, he thought. After sex, when she'd looked triumphant for reasons he still didn't understand.

She screwed her nose up as she looked over the menu.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked.

"Oh, it's nothing. This place is just a little fancier than my student budget likes, and my eyes are too big for my stomach right now. I want the vindaloo, but I also want the vegetable korma. And garlic naan."

"It's on me, Bella. Get whatever you want."

She glanced up at him from over the edge of his menu. "You've brought me dinner every day for over a week. If anything, it should be me treating you for once."

"Uh. No. I-" He cut off, the words he'd been about to say choking him before he could get them out. He swallowed hard. He knew his role here. He'd walked this line before, and he knew the right words. Just because they made his stomach twist didn't mean Bella didn't need to hear them. She needed to understand she didn't have to be alone in this. He blew out a breath and forced a small smile. "The only thing Daddies get to do is take care of Mommies. Let me do that."

He wondered if they'd been the wrong words; if Bella had been trying to forget for only a night, but she only looked at him with an unreadable expression.

The waiter came over then to take their order. "The lady knows what we want," Edward said, giving Bella a challenging look.

She seemed surprised but recovered well. Edward was delighted when she ordered half the menu. "Fuck it," she said when the waiter had gone. "I'll probably throw it all up in an hour, but I feel okay right now. I want to at least taste something." She made a sheepish face. "Sorry. My stomach got the better of me. I hope you like some of what I ordered."

"Don't apologize." He was enthralled by the fact she seemed lighter today.

It was only when she was happily chewing on a corner of naan that her expression turned contemplative again. "Edward?"

"Hm?"

She swallowed and put the bread down. "Have you told anyone yet?"

He didn't have to ask what she was talking about. He found he'd been leaning forward at the table. Now he pulled back, moving his hands to his lap and clearing his throat. "Jasper."

"No one else?" He didn't know what his face looked like, but her cheeks went pink. "I'm sorry. I've just been thinking about what you told me. About your brother having so many kids. I've been wondering how your family took it." She grimaced. "I guess I've been wondering how they'll take me. And the baby." At this last, she was barely whispering, and she'd long ago put her naan down.

"Oh, Bella. The very last thing in the world you have to worry about is my family. My parents were the type that, growing up, all of our friends called them Mom and Dad. They were forever taking in strays at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Some of our friends who came from troubled homes were at our house more than theirs. That kind of thing. Jasper and Rosalie, that's my brother's wife, are closer to them than their own parents. And yes, to answer what I think you're asking, two of the mothers of Emmett's children call them Mom and Dad."

He tilted his head, a thought striking him. He wanted to be concerned about Bella more than anything. He was a wreck, but why hadn't it occurred to him to bring her to his family.

Probably because the idea of facing his family with this news made his blood run cold. He sighed, pushing away his own desires not to have to face this. Whatever else Bella was, she was wounded, and his family was very good with that. Better than he could be, but that wasn't' saying much at this point. "I think they would love you," he said, meaning it.

She scoffed. "Why? I'm the stupid fucking kid who's bringing their son nothing but problems."

More often than not, Edward forgot how very young Bella was. He never would have thought he could enjoy the company of a 20 year old girl as much as as he did. Where she did show her age was a moment like this. She wasn't so far from an age where what her parents' thought carried a lot of weight. "It's hardly a one sided thing, Bella. And I'm sure your parents will be thrilled with me."

Her lip twitched. "My dad's a cop. You're pretty much screwed."

Edward paled. "Well that will be interesting."

"Don't worry. He'll blame it on me."

That comment concerned him, but their food came then. The smell of it had Bella grinning again, so Edward didn't return to the conversation.

Maybe it was because she enjoyed her food so much that Edward ate too. He had had his first full meal in weeks. They both left the restaurant with painfully full bellies.

"See, you don't have have to worry anymore," Bella said, clutching her stomach. "I'm going to have an Indian food baby."

He smiled, amused at her but worried anyway.

She crossed her arms as they walked to the car. "Thank you for tonight. For letting me be a little silly. It's just been so much angst. Between this and finals, tonight I just wanted to be silly and happy for a few hours. I needed it."

"Don't ever apologize for being happy. That's a talent to have. To choose to be happy."

"It was that or go crazy."

Edward grunted, wondering inwardly if that was what he had chosen-to go crazy. "Bella?"

"What?"

Edward would never know what possessed him to say it when he wasn't anywhere near ready. "Would you like like to go with me to my mother's birthday?"

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><p><strong>AN: I know a couple of you really wanted me not to have this baby due when it's due. I promise there is a method to my madness.**

**Many thanks to my wonderful girls, and thanks to all of you who've had such great things to say. Mwah.**


	8. Chapter 7 - Mother

**A/N: Why is the weekend over? Dammit. Anyway. Merry Monday to ya. Or still-Sunday if you live on the right coast like I do. hehehe**

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><p><em><strong>~Five Years Ago~<strong>_

Bella was fifteen when she met Mike Newton.

She had just moved to Forks, shipped off by her mother who was getting serious with her new boyfriend. Phil had started badmouthing Bella's father Charlie as a deadbeat dad. Renee got indignant that she'd been a single mother for so many years. Just like that, Bella was sent off to punish her father with her presence.

Charlie wasn't a deadbeat. He hadn't really had a chance to be a father. It was a matter of circumstance and a misguided, if well-intentioned, sense of doing what was right for his child. He hadn't quite grasped that, while a fifteen-year-old wasn't a child, she was also not an adult.

But Charlie left her alone more often than he should have. He said she was old beyond her years. Renee had said that too. Her mother used to tell her Bella had been the one taking care of her since she was seven years old.

Newton's Outfitters was attached to Forks' only grocery store. That was how Bella first ran into Mike. He was twenty-one, a freshly minted college grad, wandering the aisles of the main store before returning to work in the store he was being groomed to take over.

It was his whistle that drew Bella's attention. One of those low, catcall type whistles. She looked around surreptitiously, naturally curious to see what was going on. She was startled to find a blond man looking directly at her.

"I don't know you," he said as though this wasn't an acceptable state of being. He started walking toward her. "I know everyone, and I don't know you. That's a shame, because you're very pretty."

At fifteen, Bella hadn't grown into her curves. She was gawkish and awkward-not the kind of girl who was used to being called pretty. She blushed furiously, murmured a "thank you," and pushed the cart away.

He followed. "Don't run away now, baby. You can't run away from anyone in this little town. What's your name?"

Mike was persistent. Bella was flustered and uncomfortable, especially at the way Mike kept on touching her. They were small touches-pushing a strand of hair out of her face, a tap to her shoulder to get her attention, a brush of their fingers when he handed her something she was reaching for.

Bella wished he would go away, but she didn't have the right words to make that happen. After all, he wasn't being rude.

Mike half-lured, half-chased her to his side of the store. "We have a jacket that would look great on you. That one is too lumpy. You've got a much better figure than that, girl. Show it off."

Bella, hoping that all of this was just Mike making a hard-sell, followed him into his shop. Maybe if she had a look at what he had to sell, he would leave her alone. But the next thing she knew, he was _helping _her unzip her parka and pulling on an admittedly very nice looking jacket, either oblivious to or ignoring that she was cringing away from him.

"See?" Mike said, stepping back and raking his eyes over her form. "It's functional and very sexy. You'd be snug, warm, and dry on any hike."

"I don't hike," Bella said, beginning to shrug out of the jacket.

"You should. I could take you."

"Uh…"

"You know, you have a really nice butt," Mike said, his eyes on the object in question.

Even though she was wearing jeans, Bella felt naked. "You know, can you maybe stop? I don't have a nice butt."

It was what she meant, but it wasn't. She didn't know if she had a nice butt. She hadn't ever thought about it. Really, all she wanted was for this extended awkward moment to stop.

A laugh from a few feet away drew her attention, and Bella looked up to see Mr. Newton shaking his head. "Sweetheart, he's just giving you a compliment. Hasn't anyone ever given you a compliment before?"

Bella was quiet after that. Later that night, alone in her house, Bella tried to figure out why she'd been so disturbed. He'd called her pretty. What was so bad about that? His father hadn't thought it was weird. He was right. She just wasn't used to it. She didn't mean to come off as a stupid little kid.

When she ran into Mike again later that week, Bella smiled at his compliments, telling herself she shouldn't be bothered.

_**~0~**_

A few months after they met, Mike gave Bella a job working for him in the shop. By then, they were good friends. Bella was used to Mike's compliments, even if she'd never gotten to the point where his words made her giggle and grin like some of the other girls. She came to the conclusion Mike was just being nice, trying to make her feel good. Just like it was nice that he listened to her and appreciated when she made him a home-cooked meal.

Bella thought they were good friends until he cornered her one day in the supply closet. He pinned her up against the shelves and kissed her. Bella froze, her hands in the air as she tried and failed to comprehend what was happening.

It seemed to go on forever, but when he finally stepped away, Bella un-froze. She bolted from the closet, emerging, flushed and disheveled, only to come face-to-face with Mrs. Newton. She blushed deeper and started to stutter words that made no sense.

Karen Newton just smiled. "Oh, to be young again. Don't be embarrassed, sweetheart. The heart wants what the heart wants. Who could blame you?"

_**~0~**_

A year passed. Karen and Mike Sr. moved to California. Mike took over the store. By that time, Bella all but lived with Mike.

When his parents came back for a visit, tension between Mike and Bella was high. Mike wasn't doing as well with the shop as he wanted to. Bella just wanted to seem grownup in front of her de facto in-laws. They ended up in Mike's bedroom, hissing at each other over something ridiculous.

As the argument came to a head, Mike cursed and slapped her. Instantly, his face turned from one of fury to one of horror. "Oh, god. Bella, I-"

Bella didn't hear what else he had to say as she'd already run from the room. Outside the door in the hallway, she ran into Karen. "Hold on, honey. I have you. Come here." She pulled Bella into the bathroom and shut the door. It took Bella a few seconds to realize she must have heard the sound of the slap. She tried to tilt her head down, but Karen caught her by the chin, turning her head. "There, that isn't bad. You can hardly see it. Mike has his father's temper. All bark and no bite."

Karen's tone was so conversational it confused Bella into silence. She let Mike's mother fuss over her, breathing in shocked little gasps. No one in her entire life had ever hit her.

"Such a man," Karen muttered, shaking her head. She took a step away from Bella with her hands on her hips. "Sometimes they just need to show off. Doesn't hurt much, does it?"

Slowly, Bella shook her head. The initial sting had died down within a minute. She'd taken falls that hurt much worse than this and for longer.

"No harm done," Karen said with a smile. "You watch. He'll be all over you with apologies the minute I open this door. Make him work for it though. I guarantee you tomorrow you'll have flowers at least. Probably something much nicer."

She giggled, and Bella followed her out of the bathroom, because she didn't know what else to do.

_**~Today~**_

"This is ridiculous, Bella. If you're going to insist on going even though you're obviously scared to death, I'm going with you."

Bella looked up from tying her shoes. "I'm not scared."

"Oh, bullshit," Emily said. She grabbed Bella's hand and held it up. It was shaking.

Clenching her fist, Bella yanked her hand away. "You weren't invited, Em. It would be rude."

"Well, tough fucking titties. None of them should care about rudeness if it means you're more comfortable."

It was a tempting thought. It had taken two years of therapy for Bella to accept the large part the Newtons played in enabling and normalizing Mike's behavior toward her. Bella had let herself believe Edward really was the sweet, if a little angsty, guy he had been ninety-nine percent of the time they'd known each other. But the part of her that remained on guard didn't trust herself not to be misled. So yes, she was scared. She was scared that if Edward did eventually prove himself to be the monster she'd glimpsed, his family would pull the wool tighter over her eyes.

Plus, who knew how they were going to react about the baby.

"I'm trying to be an adult about all this," Bella said both to herself and Emily. "This is what doing the right thing looks like. I'm keeping the baby, and they're part of it. I'm going to go there and try to get off on the right foot."

It all sounded very rational and grown up in her head. Bella blew out a breath, trying to keep from wringing her hands. "Besides," she said. "You have my car keys. If I need you, you'll be there to bail me out in fifteen minutes, right?"

Emily pulled her up and into a hug. "Count on it."

_**~0~**_

Bella couldn't tell who was more nervous, her or Edward. They both kept shifting in their seat as he drove.

"Okay, this is fucked up," Bella said, going out of her skin with the tension in the car. "I'm going to ruin your mother's birthday."

He blew out a breath, but he actually smiled when he glanced at her. "Emmett was a father of three before he was your age," he reminded her. He sighed and tapped out a restless tattoo on the steering wheel. "You know how people say they'll be okay as long as their family is okay? My mom actually means that. As long as everyone is alive and healthy, she's happy."

Bella didn't miss the hard edge to his words when he said "alive and healthy" but Edward had already moved on.

"Everyone is going to be there today. Nothing could ruin how happy that will make her." Pulling up to a red light, Edward tapped on her knee so she looked at him. "Bella, you're not a bad thing that happened to me. My parents aren't going to think that, and I don't think that."

"Don't you?"

"No." The word was soft but firm. "I think we're two strangers who got hit by a freight train. We just have to survive it."

Bella was quiet at that. She understood what he meant, but she wished the baby, her baby, was better off than that-a situation to be survived. But that too was a fairytale. It would be nice if every baby was wanted and loved from conception, but that was often not reality.

It worked out most times, didn't it? Bella's parents had split up, but they both loved her.

"All your brother's kids will be there?" she asked.

"Yes. Angela and Heidi too." Edward huffed. "Emmett is going to have a field day with this."

"What?"

"Not with you. I'm sure he'll be fine with you," he said, correctly reading the trepidation that had come across her face. "I just gave him a lot of shit. I was fourteen when Aiden was born." He rolled his eyes. "And sixteen when Brent and Bryce were born. I'm the obnoxious little brother. What was I supposed to do?"

"And now you knocked up some chick who's younger than three of them." Bella smiled, trying to cover the fact that the nerves made her queasy.

"Brent and Bryce are only older than you by two weeks," he said, also trying to make light of it but not quite getting there. "But like I said, don't worry about him. I meant what I said the other night. They're all going to love you. Emmett will be nice. Alice, well... The problem with her is that she's, uh...intense. She can come on too strong, but she comes from a good place. She spent the first eight years of her life in the foster system, so I think she has a tendency to overdo her acceptance so no one ever has to feel as alienated as she did."

"If your family is so great, why do you stay away from them so much?" He'd told her Esme's birthday was one of the few times a year he saw his mother.

He didn't answer right away but stared straight forward as they pulled into the driveway of a house-a big house, though not the biggest on that street. "It's not about them," he said, and he got out of the car before she could ask any other questions.

They walked side by side in silence for a few steps. Bella had no idea why, whether it was because she needed it or she thought he did-maybe both-but she reached out and took Edward's hand. He glanced at her in quiet surprise, but he squeezed her fingers as they walked the long porch to get to the front door. Neither of them let go until he raised his free hand to enter.

Over the last few days, they'd gone over every possible way this could happen. Edward had, as always, told her it was up to her. They'd gone over each side, whether she wanted him to tell his family before she arrived. Tempting, but they sounded like the kind of people who, like Edward, might turn their attention on her arrival rather than Esme's birthday, and she didn't want to take that chance. Edward said they didn't have to tell anyone now, but Bella told him that was just silly. Making a decision was often agonizing for Bella, but once made, she wanted to follow through as quickly as possible. There wasn't any sense in putting off the inevitable. Besides, how else was he going to explain why he brought a college freshman to his mother's birthday when he'd hardly shown his face to his family in a solid decade?

What they'd settled on was arriving early so they could tell Esme and Carlisle first and tackle the rest of the family as they came.

Edward paused before he opened the door. "Bella, I know I'm no prize. I'm trying. But my family will be there for you if you let them."

He didn't give her the chance to respond to that but pushed the door open, calling for his mother.

_**~0~**_

Renee wasn't an unloving mother, but she hadn't been demonstrative by a longshot. Karen Newton had been one of those moms who preferred to be your best friend. She'd doted on her little boy and thought he was the perfect prince.

Esme Cullen was warm. From her sweet smile to her soft eyes, she was just warm. When they walked in the door, Bella felt a pang for something she didn't even realize she'd wanted as she watched Edward get kissed and hugged.

A few minutes later, when they'd both stumbled their way through the truth, Bella found herself alone with Esme while Edward had been drawn away by Carlisle. Bella wondered if they'd done it on purpose-some kind of divide and conquer.

She got her answer almost the second the men were out of earshot.

Esme came to sit beside her on the couch and took her hands. For some reason, Bella didn't find this gesture odd or uncomfortable. Instead, some of her nerves settled. She looked up at the older woman tentatively.

"How are you feeling, Bella?"

Bella ducked her head, shy and ashamed. "I'm fine."

Esme lifted one hand to her cheek in a gentle gesture, and Bella raised her head again. The older woman's smile was as easy as her touch. "When I was pregnant with Emmett, I was your age. I'm an old woman now, but I remember what it was like. Tell me really."

"I'm...it's okay. Really."

Esme tilted her head, giving Bella a mother's knowing look that she'd only ever read about. It was potent. Bella huffed and spilled. "I'm always tired. Everything makes me sick, and everything…" She sucked in a breath, trying to cut off the wave of emotion as it hit, but as usual, it was no use. "Everything makes me cry," she said, voice cracking.

"Oh, sweetheart." Esme stroked her hair with such tenderness, it only made Bella start to cry harder. When Esme tugged, Bella fell forward, letting the woman, this near perfect stranger, wrap her arms around her.

Bella hated this. She hated how out of control her life was. She hated her spiraling moods, and she hated how much she cried. In general, she wasn't a crier. Throughout the whole thing with Mike, she'd had more of a stare-blankly-at-the-wall reaction. All her life, she'd really only cried when she was frustrated or angry. But since she'd figured out she was pregnant, she'd been weepy. It was driving her crazy.

Of course, her spiraling emotions only made the crying jag worse. She should have been mortified to break down like this, but in her misery, Esme was the only bright, warm spot she had. The woman held her tightly and stroked her hair.

It was all so very motherly-foreign to Bella, and yet, she somehow felt like she'd been waiting for this hug all her life.

"I'm sorry," Bella said, sniffling as she finally found the will to pull away from Esme. She wiped at her eyes. "God, you must think I'm a basket case."

"No," Esme said, wiping her cheek with the back of her knuckles. "I think you're very brave."

Bella looked up through watery eyes. "I'm not," she said in a whisper.

Esme took her hands again. "I'm scared too. For Edward, of course, but also for you. I love my son, Bella, but he has his own problems. I know that; so I want you to know right now, you can talk to me. I'll give you my number, and if you need anything at all, I'm here."

For a second, Bella thought she was going to start crying all over again. She took a deep breath, sniffling, and managed to get ahold of herself. "I...that would be nice," she said, more relieved than she knew how to deal with. Emily was a great friend, but she'd never been pregnant and she was just as young as Bella was. Renee, when Bella did get up the courage to tell her, just wasn't the type of mother anyone could lean on.

Maybe Edward was right-his family could be her support. All the books and websites about pregnancy said a support system was one of the most important things any pregnant woman could have. She wanted more than anything to be strong and self-sufficient, but that terrified little girl who'd gone fetal in the corner the minute she figured out she was pregnant sure could use a motherly hug now and then.

There wasn't any shame in wanting that, right?

A small weight came off her shoulders, and when Esme hugged her again, Bella hugged her back, grateful.

Pulling back, Esme patted her hand, looking her over with an expression Bella couldn't read. "I think Edward thinks I'm flighty sometimes." A look of profound sadness came over her. "I think it came from the fact that when Xavier was dying, I never stopped praying for a miracle. I don't think it's flighty to believe the impossible can happen. I'm also realistic enough not to depend on it." She sighed and squeezed Bella's hands again. "I want to promise you everything will work out, and life will be beautiful. But you remind me of Edward in many ways. I get the feeling you wouldn't believe me anymore than he would. So I'm just going to tell you I'm sixty years old today. I've been through a lot of difficult times. I can't tell you the number of times it's felt like my life was going to be destroyed. It never was. Harder in some ways, sure, but I also got a lot of beauty in return. None of this is going to make your road easier, but it's something to think about."

Esme told her where the bathroom was in case she wanted to splash some cool water on her face, and then excused herself to figure out where her husband and son had gotten to. Bella retreated to the bathroom but paused when a picture caught her eye.

It was Edward, much younger, and so much different than the Edward she knew. She'd often thought his eyes were beautiful, but she could see how much duller they were now. In the picture, they were so alive it was startling. His cheeks were flushed. His grin was so wide it might have been funny except that it was easy to see why he was so happy.

There was a tiny bundle wrapped in a blue blanket nestled in his arms. The picture had been taken in a hospital, and the baby was small enough it had to be Edward with Xavier as a newborn.

The man in the picture was not only happy, but he was light. There was no hint of the heaviness that painted Edward's features now. This was a man ecstatic to be a father.

Bella's heart broke at the sight, for him, knowing what the man in the picture didn't know, that he was going to lose his baby boy, but also for the baby she carried.

Would he ever look at their baby like that?

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Many thanks to songster, myonlyheroin, barburella, and jessypt.**

**Before you can ask, yes we will get more clarification on Bella and Mike and what all happened in that clusterfuck. For now, how are we doing? :D**


	9. Chapter 8 - Pieces

_**A/N: The timeframes got a bit mixed up for me. My bad. So in previous flashbacks, when it said eleven years ago, it should have said twelve years ago. Also, Edward should have been twenty-five in the flashback from chapter seven.**_

_**Let's talk ages, some of which I've mentioned and some I haven't. I need to keep myself straight and some of you are curious.**_

_**Esme and Carlisle are sixty. Emmett and Jasper are thirty-nine, Alice and Edward are thirty-six. Rosalie is thirty-five. Aiden, Emmett's son with Angela, is twenty-two. Brent and Bryce, his twins with Heidi, are twenty. Bella is twenty. April, Emmett's girl with Jessica, is twelve. Give or take some months here and there. Forgive me.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>~Eleven Years Ago - January~<strong>_

Xavier Kieren Cullen was born on January third, having held on long enough past his Christmas due date to make his poor mother believe she'd be pregnant forever.

"I see how you are," Kate said, tilting her head against Edward's as they both looked down on the baby. "You're one of those people who don't want to have a Christmas birthday, aren't you, little man?"

Edward put his finger in his son's palm, watching in awe as his mini digits curled. "He'll be almost a year old on his first Christmas."

Kate grinned at him with a gleam in her eyes. "Good. We have almost a year to plan."

He chuckled and kissed her and then kissed his son, dreaming of the years and Christmases to come.

_**~June~**_

Almost every parent panicked the first time their baby got sick. High fevers and congestion were tantamount to a national emergency complete with an ER visit. Despite assurances from everyone that Xavier was fine, Edward and Kate were sure he wasn't.

They were the exception to the rule. Xavier wasn't fine.

Even though the slim possibility that something was very wrong was what drove Edward and Kate to take their son to the emergency room in the first place, Edward still couldn't believe what he was hearing. Words slipped in. Awful, frightening words. But Edward didn't let the concepts gel in his head. His son was sick. He'd known it coming in. But this sick? Stuffy nose, coughing, and chest congestion he could handle. He could help his son through that. The things the doctor was talking about were so far out of his hands, it was as though Edward's brain couldn't process the words. He shut down. He couldn't breathe or think.

His son wasn't just sick. He was dying.

Beside him, Kate swallowed thickly. She was squeezing his hands so hard, he would have cried out if he had any voice left at all. "Okay," she said, the word coming out strained. "So how do we fight this?"

The doctor looked at her with compassion. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Cullen. There's no fighting this."

She stood up, letting go of Edward's hand, so she could lean forward on the desk. "What do you mean there's no fighting this? Of course we're going to fight this. That's my baby. You can't tell me we can't fight. I don't care what it is. There has to be something."

"I'm-"

"Don't tell me you're sorry. My baby doesn't need sorry. He needs you to help him. You have to help him."

Edward finally got his body to move again. He stood and reached for her arm. "Kate," he said, turning her toward him. He caught her face in his hands, stroking her cheeks because he didn't have the words. "Katie."

She looked at him, the fury in her eyes draining to fear and agony. "He's my baby." Her lower lip crumpled, and she fell forward into his arms as she sobbed. "Our baby, our baby."

Xavier wasn't even six months old.

_**~Now - Early June~**_

Edward had a mind for dates. He remembered around which date the most important events of his life happened. His first kiss happened on April Fool's day. He and Alice got lost for three hours in Yosemite National Park on July fourteenth. He met Kate in September.

Every year, January marked the beginning of his memories with his son. June marked the beginning of the end. June was when every moment became measured and precious; when he'd begun counting Xavier's smiles and trying to memorize every inch of his son's face. Every year, those memories played over and over.

It was early in the month. Eleven years ago today, Edward was a tired but happy father. Eleven years ago he came home every night and he, and Xavier had some tummy time. The baby's grip was strong when Edward pulled him into a sitting position and he held onto his father's fingers.

Today, Edward came home from work to a quiet, neat house. He sat in the living room, trying to remember exactly where Xavier's blanket had lain and how he looked upon it, grinning and trying to stuff his foot in his mouth. He tried to recall the blissful ignorance to the fact that even then, his son's tiny body had held a time bomb.

There had never been any hope for him. It wasn't genetics or something missed by the doctors or his parents. It was luck of the draw-as simple and meaningless as that.

A knock at the door brought Edward's head up. He rubbed his eyes, trying to remember exactly where he was, or rather, when he was. What was going on now? His thoughts were lethargic, but he got to his feet and went to the door where he his brother stood on his stoop. He had to swallow a groan. They'd both been calling off and on since their mother's birthday a few days before.

He considered only briefly slamming the door in Emmett's face. It had been a long time since Emmett had bothered him, and he'd been very good to Bella that weekend. With a grunt, he stepped back, allowing his brother inside.

Emmett almost vibrated with contained mirth. Edward gestured with his hand that he should talk.

Emmett laughed. "Bro," he said, shaking his head. "This is a plot twist I didn't see coming."

"In case you were wondering why I haven't answered my phone." Edward pointed at his brother.

"Come on. Everything else aside, you have to see how funny this is."

Edward crossed his arms over his chest. "Explain which part of this is funny, Emmett. You think it's hilarious that Bella is twenty years old? This is her first semester of college; you want to know why? Well, it beats the hell out of me, because she won't tell me what happened to her before I happened to her. She's terrified, and sometimes I think it's me she's most scared of. That's just her. Maybe I'm missing the hilarious part here."

Emmett bowed his head, shaking it. "You know what, Edward? I'm not going to do this with you. I think ten and a half years is enough time to put up with your pissy bullshit."

"This is what you came here for?"

"No. I came here to see what I could do for you."

"Well, let me tell you. This is just a stellar work."

Emmett huffed, rubbing the back of his neck. "What do you expect? It's been over a decade and all of us have tried everything to get you back in the world. No one knows how to deal with you. Maybe yelling at you will work. Who the hell knows. But you're going to be a daddy. You-"

"In case you were wondering, forgetting the fact I'm already a father isn't helping."

"Jesus Christ. Edward, no one's forgotten Xavier. No one's going to forget him. This whole situation you have going on with Bella is probably a lot horrible, but it's also a little bit funny. That's what life is-horrible with a side of funny. Just like it was funny Jess and I were so fucking careful, but we got pregnant anyway. Three separate accidents. The first two, I mean I was a horny teenager. It overwrote my brain function. But a third accident when I both knew better and we were on two forms of protection? That's hilarious. Traumatizing but funny."

Edward was gnashing his teeth, looking anywhere but his brother, so he was startled when Emmett grabbed him by the shoulders. "You're right here, you asshole. Living. Life goes on. It's funny and it's stupid and it sucks and it's amazing. It's here, and you're going to have _another _kid. Little brother, I'm scared for you. I'm scared what this is going to do to you. But I'm also going to laugh at the fact my boys were totally checking out your baby momma, I mean come on. It is at least a little hilarious that she could have been their prom date just a few years ago. That's some Springer-worthy shit right there."

"Let go of me." Edward yanked out of his brother's grip, but he only went as far as the armchair.

Emmett sat down across from him. "So Bella-girl is pretty," he said after a long minute.

Edward grunted because he couldn't argue with that. "_All _of the boys?" he asked.

"Yep."

"I'm pretty sure Brent's boyfriend might have questions about that."

"Hey, man. Looking isn't off limits."

_**~0~**_

It was strange. Edward often thought of what his life would have been like if Xavier had been allowed to grow up. In his daydreams, he often pictured his ten-year-old boy here in the living room, doing his homework under his parents' watchful eyes.

The sight that greeted him in this reality was somewhat disconcerting. Textbooks and notebooks were spread all over his coffee table, but rather than his son, it was Bella sitting on his living room floor, head bent over her notes. Emily's boyfriend and his loud, over-grown, football-player friends had taken over their tiny dorm room, and Edward had managed to convince Bella it was fine for her to study at his place.

For a few seconds, he watched her, marvelling again at her ability to keep moving forward. In the last couple of weeks, she had finished three major papers and a project. Edward had dropped the one class he was taking for fun. Granted he, for the most part, had been keeping up at work, but progressing in any aspect of his life? Not so much.

Bella blew out a sharp breath and put down the packed she'd been studying. She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, her coloring gone sallow. Edward's lips twitched downward and he went into the room. "Feeling sick?"

"Uh huh."

"Would you like water? Crackers? Ginger tea?"

"Oh god. I need you to stop talking about things that I can eat or drink because the thought of swallowing is making me sicker."

"Sorry." Edward sat down on the couch near her.

"Hasn't been bad lately." She tilted her head back, resting it on the couch, but she didn't open her eyes. "Give it a minute, and it'll pass."

He waited with her, and after minutes of measured breaths, the tension in her body eased a bit. She kept her eyes closed, but she moved her hand to the back of her neck, digging the pad of her thumb into her skin.

Edward didn't think before he moved. He scooted over, gently batting Bella's hand away, and began to knead the knots at her neck. His fingers faltered when she sucked in a breath, but she only tilted her head, allowing him better access. He was always glad when she let him do small favors for her, especially this kind. The idea that he was slowly earning her trust soothed at least one of the thousands of hurts he carried.

Slowly, Bella's eyes came open, but she wasn't looking at anything. "What are you thinking?" he asked to fill the silence.

She frowned. He saw her throat move as she swallowed. "Do you know anything about government-assisted health insurance?"

Edward's fingers paused. He'd expected her to say Freshman Composition or Statistics. He brushed her hair off one shoulder and pressed his fingertips into the muscles there. "I thought you were on your mother's insurance."

"I am."

"But?"

She'd begun to wring her hands in her lap. "She'll get the itemized bill." She gave a laugh, the sound small and forced. "It's probably a non-issue. Renee has a habit of not opening her mail for months."

Edward stayed quiet as he processed that, massaging a while longer. Finally, he let his fingers rest briefly at the crook of her arm. "Come up here."

Bella pushed herself up onto the couch facing him, but she wasn't looking at him.

"I'm just trying to understand," he said. "You wanted to tell my family right away because you didn't think there was a point in putting it off, but you don't seem to want to tell your own. I can understand your father to an extent." She was going home to Washington for the summer in a week and two days. "You might as well talk to him face to face, but why don't you want your mother to know?"

She shrugged. "I don't want my father to know either, but he'd probably figure it out when I get all..." She made a ballooning gesture. She finally looked up at him, though furtively. "It's not what you're probably thinking. I mean, if you think I'm afraid of them or something like that, I'm not."

"Okay," he said, shifting on the couch so his knee touched hers.

"They can't really say much, right? My mom was seventeen when she got pregnant with me." She reached out, pressing the tip of one finger against one of his, then the next, then the next in an idle game as she put together her thoughts. "Anyway. It's just that they think I'm an idiot. Mike, um…" She always struggled when she talked about him. "Mike was older than me. Adult older."

A thick knot formed in Edward's throat. She said she'd been in therapy for two years, which meant she'd met Mike before that. "As old as me?" he asked, keeping his tone even.

She shook her head "Six years."

Edward had to fight to keep the reaction from his face. She was watching him, likely waiting for her judgment. He was judging hard but not her. Mike definitely because he'd had no business going near her, but what did that mean for him?

"I was sixteen," she said after a moment's silence.

"Jesus Christ," Edward murmured under his breath.

"That's the age of consent in Washington," Bella continued, her tone flat. "There wasn't much they could do about it except tell me I was stupid. They kept telling me it was going to end badly."

He saw the shudder that passed through her and wondered, not for the first time, if she was going to run into her ex when she was in Forks. Suddenly, he _needed _to know. "Bella?"

She looked up at him, her eyes so lost she almost looked childlike.

"Where is Mike?"

The color drained from her cheeks and she shifted, angling her body away from him, curling inward. It was a long minute before she answered and even then her voice was small. "Jail."

Edward closed his eyes and counted to ten before he trusted himself to speak again. "For what?"

The energy in the room shifted from one of heavy, slow dread to one of frenetic motion. Bella turned back to him and, to his shock, pulled her shirt off. He was about to ask what the hell was going on when she lifted her arm, pointing to a spot on her side. "This was a chest tube. They shoved a tube through here to reinflate my lungs."

At first, Edward couldn't process all of what he was seeing. He had the urge to look away to protect her modesty but also because he wasn't sure he wanted to know the terrible details.

The spot she was pointing at was a cylindrical scar, but it wasn't the only one she had. Here and there were smaller scars. She turned to show a smaller, neater scar on her other side. "Collapsed lung. Other internal injuries. My leg was broken in three places."

"Bella," he whispered.

She pulled her shirt back on and folded her arms around herself. "I was laying there, gasping for air, and he was telling me to tell the paramedics that I fell. Over and over again, that's all he said. 'You're so clumsy. I didn't even push you that hard. You tripped, baby. Tell them you fell down the stairs.'"

Her voice trembled, and when she looked at him again, her eyes were so remote it chilled him to the bone. "That's what it took for me to figure out he was an asshole." She swallowed hard. "So I guess you can see my parents' point."

Careful but desperate to comfort her, Edward scooted back to her side and put his arm around her. When she didn't resist, he drew her close. "You're not an idiot."

"I know. Two years of therapy...I know why it happened, and I know it wasn't my fault." She said the words by rote, and he wondered how often she'd had to tell herself that.

He wondered if she actually believed it. Truth wasn't the same as belief.

"And I don't want you to think my parents blamed me," Bella said. "They never said that. It was just written between the lines of what they said; that if I had listened to them, if I hadn't made such stupid decisions in the first place, maybe I wouldn't be...like this."

She took a shaky breath and wound her arms around him, curling closer. "This whole thing with us, it's such a mess. You're not Mike. You're nothing like Mike, but I can't figure out the right words to make this all sound...not messy. This is better than what was happening with Mike, but it's also-"

He stroked her hair once gently. "It's also worse, in a way," he said, finishing the sentence she'd stopped herself from saying.

Mike had obviously been an asshole, but when she got free, there was nothing left over to tie her to him.

Seconds ticked on into minutes as he tried for the millionth time to sort it all out in his head. He didn't know what to do for her, or what to say to make it all right. All he could do was keep on holding her, because he could offer her that much comfort. He ran his fingers up and down her arm idly.

"Edward?" she asked after a few minutes.

"Hmm?"

She yawned, and Edward noticed suddenly that she was leaning harder against his side. "We're going to your parents on Saturday still, right?"

His hand froze mid stroke. "What?"

"Your mom said to come to dinner."

Edward was torn between his concern for her-her words were slurred and her eyelids were drooping-and a growing discomfort at what she was saying. "Did she?"

"Yeah." Another yawn. "Dinner Saturday. She said she asked you."

Technically, she had. Whenever they spoke or saw each other, Esme always asked to see him the next weekend.

"Does she really like me?" Bella asked in that far away tone that told him she was probably already one foot in the land of dreams.

"I told you she would," he said, looking down on her as her head finally went limp against his shoulder. She'd been so exhausted lately.

She had also been used by his loving mother. Edward hadn't told Carlisle much when his father cornered him after he and Bella dropped the news about the baby. One of the few things he had told his father was the best thing anyone could do for him was to treat Bella well. Naturally, he couldn't refuse a visit if she wanted to see them.

Tricky mother.

After a few minutes, Edward stroked Bella's cheek, calling her name.

"I'm sorry," Bella mumbled, dragging heavy lids open. "I should go."

"You don't have to. Just wake up enough to come upstairs. You can have my bed."

"Shouldn't."

"It's okay, Bella. I'll be fine on the couch."

She made a disgruntled noise, but when he took her hands to pull her to her feet, she sagged against him automatically. "I'm so tired."

Despite her protests, when they got to his bedroom, she fell on his bed and went straight to sleep again.

For a few minutes, Edward allowed himself to look, trying to process everything she'd told him tonight. He had so many more questions now and more worries too. He had the absurd desire to ask her not to go home for the summer, like he didn't trust her father with her well being.

Edward snorted to himself. As though he knew what the hell he was doing.

With a sigh, Edward knelt at her side by the bed and began to untie her shoes. To his dismay, her brows furrowed, and she began to whimper though she didn't wake up.

Tender words came to him without real thought of what he was saying. "Bella," he said, stroking her knee. "Hey, it's okay. Baby, I'm trying to take care of you. Shhh."

"Please," she whispered, curling herself into a tighter ball on the bed. "Please don't hurt me."

Edward took his hands off her in an instant.

Her ragged breath calmed, and it took only a minute before she was sleeping peacefully again, leaving Edward to look on her and wonder just how many ways a heart could break.

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><p><strong>AN: Many thanks to Packy 2.0, barburella, and songster.**

**How are you, my friends?**


	10. Chapter 9 - Friends

**A/N: Happy Holidays. Have some angst?**

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><p>There were a lot of reasons Bella didn't like talking about Mike, not the least of which being that thinking about him brought back the bad dreams.<p>

Even two years later, Bella's mind was a chaotic, confused mess when she tried to sort out how she'd let Mike happen to her. She knew all the reasons her therapists had repeated often enough. She'd been starved for attention and affection. Having not received it from her parents, she'd sought it where she could get it. Then, she had fallen victim to conditioning and his manipulation.

It all seemed so stupid when his attention creeped her out from the get go. But each time, at each step, she convinced herself it was only inexperience that made her cringe. No one had ever called her sexy and looked at her with hungry eyes. No one had ever kissed her. No one had ever…

Well.

Mike never missed a chance to remind her how young and immature she was. He told her constantly how lucky she was that he was so patient, so willing to teach her about pleasing a man and love her despite her irritating habits.

He had been kind to her in many ways. He'd cuddled her and whispered sweet things when she needed to hear them. He told her that her mother was an asshole for letting her stepfather convince her to send Bella away and that Charlie was neglectful. Mike told her not to worry, that he'd take care of her.

That was what he said so often. "I'm trying to take care of you, baby." It was what he said when he brought her flowers and spoiled her with jewelry.

It was also invariably what he said after he hit her. The first few times he slapped her, he'd immediately sunk to his knees and put his arms around her waist. "I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. You just drive me so crazy sometimes. I'm trying to take care of you. Why do you make it so hard? Don't you see, Bella? No one could love you like I do. You're so difficult, but I love you anyway."

At the time, it had made an aching kind of sense. She was difficult-stubborn and a little stupid. Every time it happened, she could see how she'd pushed his buttons. And those slaps, like the first one, hadn't hurt so much. It was like Karen Newton had said-he was just showing off. It made sense. Renee had told her often enough that a woman had to let a man believe he was right. You had to preserve their male pride. Bella was just very bad at that. It was all just posturing on Mike's part. He didn't mean to hurt her, and really, he hadn't.

Even when she lay in her hospital bed, half out of her mind with confusion and pain, some small voice in Bella's head was still whispering that he hadn't meant to hurt her. They were fighting and he'd shoved her, but he hadn't meant to throw her down the stairs. That was an accident. Otherwise, he wouldn't have called the ambulance. He wouldn't have been there, holding her hand as she woke up from the surgery. He didn't want to hurt her.

But he had, another voice argued. Before he'd shoved her away from him, he'd hit her. _Really _hit her. Not a slap but a punch that had caught her in the stomach, leaving her bewildered and breathless. He'd punched her, then he'd caught her by the shoulders, shaking her violently as he screamed, and when he'd shoved her away, he'd pushed too hard. She'd gone tumbling down with such force her falling body had shattered the banister, dropping her hard on the wood floor from halfway up the stairs.

That wasn't okay. It couldn't be okay.

Bella came awake with a start. She sat up in bed, looking around wildly, disconcerted and befuddled. The panic of the nightmare still had her, and she searched through the confusion and terror in her mind, trying to remember the threat.

Her eyes fell on a form propped up against the door, his head lolled to one side in sleep. Bella blinked, trying to figure out if this was real. It was, she realized after a few moments. She was in Edward's house, in his bed, and he was curled up on the floor of his bedroom. Why…

She had vague memories of waking from the grips of nightmare once before to the sound of his voice calling her name. "Bella? Wake up. You're okay. No one is going to hurt you. I swear I won't let anyone hurt you."

Still mostly asleep, her thoughts were concrete but a tangle of emotions. Blinking at him in the semi-darkness, she recalled an intense neediness. Since she found out she was pregnant, she'd pushed back the desperate feeling of loneliness. Other things, her indecision and anxiety, took priority. But when she woke up that night, already left defenseless from fighting past battles, the emotion wouldn't be ignored. It was the worst feeling in the world to be so alone when she was surrounded by people. But Edward. Edward had to be the only other person on the planet whose life had been shaken. Like her, he was scared and helpless.

She remembered grasping at his hands, squeezing them tightly. "Don't leave me alone," she said. No matter that she knew he was broken and aching with a pain she couldn't begin to understand, she would die if he left her alone in this. At that moment she was certain of it.

"I won't," he'd said. "I'm right here. I won't leave."

True to his word, he hadn't. He was still there, like a sentry, guarding the door so no one could hurt her.

Bella climbed out of his bed, wondering if she would ever lose this lingering feeling that she was a silly little girl, unprepared for life. She hated that the mere mention of Mike's name, the hint of what had happened to her, had sent her into a tailspin like this. She loathed that he still had that much power over her, and that it had affected Edward now, too.

"Edward?" She called his name softly, nudging his leg with the tip of her toe.

"Hmm?" He hummed but didn't wake.

She knelt by his side, giving his shoulders a little shake, and his eyes opened. He winced, a hand going to his neck, and Bella grimaced. "I'm sorry," she said. "Get up. It can't be comfortable to sleep like that."

He blinked a few more times, looking adorably confused as he allowed her to pull him to his feet. "Didn't mean to fall asleep," he mumbled.

"It's really late. Or early. You should be asleep. Come on. Get in bed." She tried to pull him over to his bed, but he stopped.

"I was going to go back to the couch when I was sure you wouldn't wake up again," Edward said. "I can do that."

"It's okay. I've been enough of a pain in the ass."

He looked at her, his eyes still half-hooded from sleep. "I wish you would stop that."

"What?"

"Putting yourself down, like you're some burden to me." He sighed, and gave her one of those small, almost painful smiles. "There's not much I can do to make things easier on you, but I'll do anything I can. I _want _to do anything I can."

Bella opened her mouth to tell him she didn't need to be taken care of, but she quickly shut it again, realizing it wasn't the truth. She didn't _want _to be taken care of. After Mike, all she wanted in the world was to be strong and stand on her own two feet. But the truth of the matter was, she needed Edward. She'd been right, in her desperate flailing the night before. He was the only one who understood the depth of the chasm they were teetering on the edge of, and they needed each other.

Right then, he needed her to let him take care of her just a little bit. Bella understood that. Wasn't it the same reason she'd made sure he agreed to go to lunch at his parents' that weekend? Bella wanted to go to see Esme. She would have gladly clung to Esme's skirts like a child; she needed a mother that much, but the rest of the family overwhelmed her. Emmett and his sons were intimidating-loud and big. Angela and Heidi were too knowing and pitying. Alice was...energetic to say the least. None of them were unkind, though Rosalie had been a little cold, but the idea of being amidst all that chaos again was slightly unnerving.

Still, Bella had prodded Edward to go because she wanted to take care of him. He was so broken, and she could see the strain this whole situation was putting on him. She was hopelessly out of her depth and couldn't understand why he wasn't turning to a family who so obviously wanted to take him back. So she'd agreed to go, not for her sake but for his. She'd used her certainty that he wouldn't refuse if he thought she wanted to go.

Bella swallowed hard, looking up at Edward. "How about a compromise, then?" She tried her best to smile. "We can both sleep in the bed."

His eyes widened before he controlled his expression. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I don't think I'll be uncomfortable." Whatever hold Mike had on her had passed for the moment, and she was back in control of her actions and reactions.

Whatever it had cost them, Bella's choice to take Edward to her bed retained its intended effect; it had proved to her Mike didn't have power over her choices anymore. She could choose to sleep beside Edward without it being a problem. Probably. "I'll keep my hands to myself," she said, smiling more readily now.

At that, he burst out laughing; a deep chuckle that brought a blush to her cheeks and made her smile.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It was just the mental picture of you as the villain trying to lure me into bed to steal my virtue."

His lopsided grin was beautiful, but he wiped a hand over his mouth, as though wiping it away, and smiled at her more sheepishly. "Sorry," he said again.

"No, it's funny." The smile that had so briefly lit his face had sparked life in his eyes, if only for a few seconds. She didn't want to lose the lightness of the moment. "Too bad I don't have a moustache to twirl."

His lips quirked and he sighed, looking at her more seriously. "Are you sure you'd be okay, Bella? I'm fine on the couch."

Shyly, she extended a hand toward him. "Come on."

His hand warm in hers, they moved to the bed and got in. It was a King-sized bed, and it was easy for them both to lay side by side without touching. Still, it was awkward. Bella's mouth was dry and her heart pounded as she lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness. She glanced to the side and, seeing Edward in a similar position with his arms folded chastely on his chest, she had to giggle.

He huffed, and the awkward mood was broken as they glanced at each other. It was rather ridiculous. They'd created a baby, for fuck's sake. This should be nothing.

"Goodnight, Bella," he said, his voice so gentle.

Bella yawned, sleepiness gaining on her quicker than she'd imagined it could-damn pregnancy. "Goodnight," she said and closed her eyes.

_**~0~**_

A week and change flew by, and before Bella knew it, the first semester of her college career was over. Bella couldn't help but wonder if it would be her last. Oh, Edward talked a big game, but the truth was, anything could happen. Technically, she wasn't due until after the fall semester ended, and she'd have some time to recover from the birth before spring semester started again.

Bella flexed her hands at her sides. She'd come to Flagstaff and Northern Arizona University in February, looking forward to finally starting her life. How could she have guessed she was going to have a baby before the year was out? Edward could promise all he wanted, but Bella knew damn well life wasn't neat and tidy. Maybe she'd make it back to school, maybe she wouldn't.

She rubbed her eyes, tired all over again. Since figuring out she was pregnant, she'd been following a tactic she'd learned in therapy, to compartmentalize and try not to look at the big picture. Complete one task, then the next, then the next, and by the time you look back at everything you've already accomplished, what lay ahead didn't seem as overwhelming.

Of course, the niggling voice at the back of her mind was exasperated at her naiveté . That was all well and good for most things, but at some point, she was going to have to make huge changes with her life. She was going to have to deal with things like where she was going to live with a baby-her baby. Day care. Whether she could keep her scholarship and raise a kid at the same time. There was no such thing as making small decisions when you were going to have a baby.

But Bella couldn't think about that yet. She kept putting one foot in front of the other, and that had to be enough.

Besides, so many of the decisions she had to make depended greatly on the man sitting across from her. He seemed to be on-board with the whole one thing at a time plan. The current topic of discussion, as he drove her from Flagstaff to Phoenix so she could fly to Washington, was how she was going to tell her father.

"You shouldn't have to do this alone," Edward said, glancing at her as he drove.

Bella sighed, twirling a lock of hair around her finger. "I'm not saying no. I'm saying I don't know when I'm going to tell him. There's no point in ruining the whole summer." She toed off her shoes and pulled her feet up on the seat. "Maybe I'll put it off until I can't button my jeans or something. But still, it's ridiculous for you to think about buying a plane ticket just to have a conversation."

"It's not ridiculous. It's respectful for one thing."

"Oh sure," Bella said, crossing her arms over her chest with a huff. "You have to be a man and take responsibility. It'd be important to apologize to my father."

"That's not it at all. I meant it's respectful to you." His tone softened. "My responsibility is to you, not him. It's important to me because your father's opinion is important to you. I don't want him to think worse of you because I gave him even the chance to say I'm being a coward not facing him directly." He hesitated a moment, tapping on the steering wheel. "And it sounds like maybe you could use the support."

Bella squeezed her knees tighter against her chest and didn't answer at first. It had occurred to her the previous night as she was packing that she wasn't looking forward to going home. It was a chore-something she had to do.

Forks didn't hold a lot of happy for her.

"My dad was the one who got Mike away from me...after the accident, I mean," she said apropos of nothing. She rested her head on her knees, staring out the window as the ponderosa pines began to fade into the shrubbery of the desert. "The doctors and nurses...everyone in that damn little town knew we were together. They didn't even question that Mike was talking for me, and didn't make him leave my room even though we weren't married. But my dad took one look at me, my injuries, and he knew damn well I didn't fall. He got Mike away so I could talk to the doctor alone."

"Bella, I don't know how much it means coming from me, but I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"I know." She sighed. "I just wanted you to know it's not that he didn't try to take care of me. I didn't make it very easy on him."

"Somehow, that doesn't surprise me," he said in a light tone. "But that didn't make it your fault, either."

"I know," she said, and after another beat, she spoke again. "We were in Charlie's house-Mike and I-when the argument happened."

Edward sucked in a breath. "The same house?"

"Yeah. I lived with him most of the time. With Mike, I mean. Charlie hated that. He told me so often it wasn't right, but I think he was scared I was going to run off if he didn't leave me alone. I don't know. It's all mixed up now." She gave her head a shake, trying not to let the voice in her head start its tirade of what an idiot she'd been back then. If only she'd listened.

"I was at my dad's house because I knew he'd had a rough week. Bad accident, you know? And that kind of stuff always took a lot out of him. So I wanted to do something nice. I went to his house to make him dinner. But Mike had a rough week too, businesswise." She scoffed. "He was a bad businessman. He had a lot of rough weeks." She tightened her arms around her knees. A shiver went down her spine when she remembered how frustrated he would get, and how she had to try so hard not to make him angry. "All he wanted was to see me when he got home, and I wasn't there."

She shook her head again, this time warding off her memories. "Charlie wasn't there either. Still at the station. I wanted to surprise him. Mike was lucky he wasn't there."

Edward blew out a shaky breath, but he reached across the console to tap her knee. "If you're trying to scare me, it's working, but I still want to come up when you're ready to tell him."

Bella rolled her head back to look at him. "Don't worry. I'm not going to let him kill you."

"Well, with you to protect me, I'll feel very safe." He honored her with a small but genuine smile.

An hour later, they were at Sky Harbor airport. Edward pulled up and immediately got out to help her get her luggage out of the trunk.

"Well," he said, turning to her.

He took a hesitant step forward, and Bella was struck by a strong desire to stay. It wasn't a desire linked to how little she wanted to be in Forks or how nervous she was about her father; this feeling was about Edward. After weeks of his showing up almost every day, making sure she ate or had a place to study, Bella found she didn't want to be away from him.

"Promise me something," she said in a rush.

He raised a questioning eyebrow. "Okay."

"Go see your family tomorrow." Tomorrow was his birthday. Too embarrassed to give it to him in person, Bella had hidden a gift for him in his room earlier that morning. She could see his surprise at her request and the way his features became more pinched. "Please do it. I think it would mean a lot to them, and it makes me sad to think of you being alone on your birthday." She made an attempt at a pouting face, trying to play off how ridiculous she felt trying to order around a grown man. "Damn hormones. You know if I get even a little bit sad, I won't stop crying."

He tilted his head, giving her a look, but the pinched expression had eased a bit. "That's blackmail, Swan."

She shrugged, unapologetic, and he sighed. "Okay. I'll see if they're not busy."

Bella brightened, feeling better about that at least. It had concerned her that without her intervention, he wouldn't see his family again until she got back.

Edward took another step forward and raised his arms. Bella was surprised by how naturally she went to him, hugging him tightly.

Somewhere along the way, they'd become friends.

"Please call me when you get there," he said, not letting her go right away.

"I will." She gave him one final squeeze and stepped back.

For a second, just one second, it seemed like something lingered between them. Something confusing in a different way than everything else in this clusterfuck of a situation. Right then, she was affected by his nearness in a way she hadn't been since the night they met, the night this all started. She swayed on her feet, wondering why she wanted him to tell her not to go.

How dumb. It wasn't as though she had anywhere else to be.

Bella cleared her throat. "I'll talk to you soon."

He reached out, as though on impulse, and squeezed her hand. It was a brief touch, and he smiled as he let her go again. "Be safe, Bella."

Then she went toward Sky Harbor's doors, tugging her suitcase behind her, and he got back in his car, looking a lot like she felt-something she was missing, something had gone unsaid.

Strange, she thought again as she turned to the ticketing kiosk, and dismissed it, setting about the business of getting through the airport to her flight.

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><p><strong>BarburellaN - Hi, y'all. Merry Christmas. Carry on. **

**Kris's Note: Lol, I love these girls, for really reals!**

**Merry Holidays to you and yours, my dears. Thank you for your support and your beautiful words. Be safe.**


	11. Chapter 10 - Home

**A/N: To my Angel is a Centerfold readers, thank you for your continued patience. It's very important to me to get the next part of the story right. Since that particular story took me in a few directions I wasn't expecting, I'm trying to plot ahead accordingly-which takes more time than I want. GAH.**

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><p><em><strong>~Early July, 11 Years Ago~<strong>_

That first week, Edward and Kate hardly left their bedroom.

Xavier, getting over the ill effects of this first attack, slept a lot. Mostly, his heartbroken parents brought him to their bed and watched him. Edward pressed his chest to Kate's back, resting his head on her shoulder, tracing his finger down the underside of his baby's foot.

Kate, crying off and on, sniffled and broke the long silence. "I've been thinking I don't want him to miss anything."

Edward stiffened.

Since Xavier's diagnosis, Edward had been equal parts bereft and angry. It was his bitterness that soaked into his tone now. "Kate, he's going to miss everything."

She rolled over onto her back so he was leaning over her. "I mean I don't want him to miss things we can still give him." She reached up, trailing her finger along his jawline. Her words shook as she spoke. "He might not make it to Christmas. Why do we have to wait for December? Let's give him Christmas now. We can give him that much. "

"Christmas in July." His voice sounded dead to his own ears. Christmas in July could never be Christmas. Wrong atmosphere. Wrong everything. And it was nothing Xavier could appreciate. Like any parent, Edward was sure he had a brilliant baby, but Xavier would be as happy with presents and Christmas carols as he was with every other thing in his everyday life.

Edward closed his eyes against the ache of that thought. Xavier was one hundred and forty-two days old. How many days did he have left? His eyes stung, and he squeezed them tighter shut. He didn't want to cry. Not yet. If he started, he wasn't ever going stop.

"Okay," he said, though not for Xavier's benefit. No, he understood what this was. No one could do anything to save his baby. They could manage his pain and keep him comfortable, but there was nothing else. Kate, his parents, his siblings... they needed to feel like they were doing something. "We'll give him Christmas."

_**~0~**_

Christmas came in July to Carlisle and Esme's house.

They hired another Santa and took pictures of Xavier cradled in his arms. They chopped down a tree and decorated the house. Since peppermint bark wouldn't be in stores for months, Esme made her own.

All their family traditions were upheld. They had an obnoxiously big meal on "Christmas Eve" with the whole family. Edward supposed the fact his son was dying trumped any other drama. All of Emmett's baby mommas agreed to let the kids come. Angela even joined them. She'd made an effort to be close to the family despite the drama between she and Emmett. Rosalie, Emmett's current girlfriend, was there. Jasper, Alice's fiance, rounded out the party.

They ate, or at least Edward pretended to. He really just soaked up as much of his boy as he could. He smiled when Xavier got more sweet potato in his golden hair than in his mouth. He tried not to let the words 'Baby's First Christmas' sink in when he knew this half-assed Christmas was likely going to be the only one his baby ever got.

The Cullens always opened presents as close to midnight on Christmas Eve as the kids-whichever ones were present at the time-would allow. Then they exchanged gifts from youngest to oldest.

This was the image he'd wished for over a decade ago, Edward realized. He held his son in his lap while Xavier cooed and giggled as his cousins helped him rip up wrapping paper.

_Not like this._

Edward forced the thought away. He tried not to notice there was no fire in the hearth and no one was in a ridiculous Christmas sweater. He tried not to notice how there weren't Christmas cards from all their far away relatives on the mantle. He tried not to think about what this year's real Christmas would look like, and if his baby boy would be cold in the ground by then. He tried not to think about how most of what Xavier got weren't items he would grow into in the coming year as happened with most baby presents. They were all things he could use now. Edward tried to concentrate instead on his son's happy gurgles as he tried to stuff the wrapping paper into his mouth.

After gifts, everyone slept over, and Emmett woke everyone up early the next morning to see what Santa had brought.

The kids all got into it, even sullen teenager Aiden. Edward wanted to enjoy it. He wanted to appreciate this one chance he had to share his love of Christmas with his son.

But it wasn't Christmas, and there would be no miracle.

That night, back in his own home, he stood over his son's crib, watching him sleep, counting his precious breaths.

This was a nightmare. It had to be. There was no way this was really happening. The last two days had been nonsense because Xavier was going to have a real Christmas. He was going to have a lot of real Christmases.

Edward pinched the fleshy palm of his hand. "Please wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up." He pinched hard enough to draw blood.

When he opened his eyes, nothing had changed.

_**~Early July, Present Day~**_

Edward didn't like his birthday. He didn't like any celebration that his son should have been a part of, but his birthday marked the anniversary of the beginning of the end. It was the last blissfully ignorant celebration his little family was ever to have.

When Bella called him to let him know she was home safe, she made him promise again to let his family be with him for his birthday. As a result of his procrastinating, only his parents and Alice's family were able to make it.

But since then, his family seemed to take it as an invitation to drop by at random or invite him over for lunch, dinner, or breakfast. It had been a couple of weeks, and Edward didn't have the energy to fight it off. He was too worried.

His siblings, including Jasper, were currently lounging in his living room. Edward was physically there, but he was replaying the last conversation he'd had with Bella over and over in his head.

Emmett snapped his fingers in front of Edward's face. "You have horrible hosting skills, little brother."

"You have water."

"I wanted beer."

"I have whiskey."

"Okay." Alice sat on the couch between them. "I have a baby to get home to. We're not getting drunk."

"My youngest kid is twelve, and she's with her mother this week," Emmett said. "You do what you want, little sister. Let us big boys get our drink on."

Alice rolled her eyes and looked to Edward. "Something is wrong."

Edward quirked an eyebrow. "You need a list?"

"God, I'd forgotten how annoying you two could be when you gang up like this. Did Bella tell her father?"

"No. That's not it." He rubbed his chin. "In fact, she saw her regular doctor a couple of days ago for her check up. She figured her mother won't get the itemized statement for another month anyway."

"That's good," Jasper said. "It's like she's giving herself a deadline to tell her mother."

"So what's the problem?" Alice asked.

"I don't really know," Edward said after a moment's pause. "She's getting more distant. We talked a lot the first few days."

Emmett's eyes went wide. "You talked on the phone with someone for more than two minutes?"

"Who uses phones anymore? No. Mostly we talk on the computer."

"How the hell can you tell someone's distant over the computer?"

Edward frowned. It was a valid question, and one he'd been asking himself the worse this niggling concern got. "I don't know," he admitted. "Something feels different. Something feels wrong, but she only tells me that she's fine. Bored but fine."

"I understand your concern. I looked up that town, and she might actually die of boredom," Alice said.

"I know. I'm probably overreacting."

"You'd know her best at this point," Jasper said. Then he smirked. "Trust your instincts, Luke."

Edward might have smiled, but if he trusted his instincts, he wouldn't be able to shake the idea Bella was in trouble. "I feel very protective of her," he said, processing out loud.

"Who wouldn't be? It's hard not to be protective of the mother of your child," Emmett said. "Jessica was the biggest drama queen about being pregnant. I knew that, but every time she swore up and down something was really wrong, I almost went out of my mind until the doctor told us it was nothing."

Edward hummed an acknowledgment. Bella wasn't the drama queen type. If anything, he strongly suspected she downplayed every ailment. It was one of his million worries-that if something was wrong, Bella wouldn't tell anyone.

After another hour or so, his siblings were finally ready to give him some peace and quiet. He grabbed Emmett's arm, stopping him from leaving.

"Is Rosalie avoiding me?"

Emmett raised an eyebrow. "You noticed that."

"I've noticed she's never at Mom and Dad's when I am. And she never comes here."

"I'm not arguing. I'm just surprised you actually know which of us is here."

Edward had to work to hard to keep the wounded look off his face. He knew damn well he deserved that. "Will you tell me what her problem is?"

Emmett's huff was wry. "Yeah, Edward, pick a reason. She really never forgave you for hurting my kids. Mom and Dad. Me and Alice. She can forgive all that. But you hurt the kids when you started ignoring us, and that she can't forgive. Or maybe she could get past that. After all, she loves being an aunt to Damien almost as much as she likes being a stepmom. She's going to love your kid. She already loves your kid, and that's why she's not here."

Edward searched his brother's eyes, taken aback by the tirade.

"I'm sorry," Emmett said, looking honestly contrite. "I'm not trying to be a dick. It's just been hard for Rosie."

At that, Edward glared. "It's been hard for _Rosalie_?"

"I know. This is your thing. Never mind that you haven't paid attention to any of our problems for a decade. It's your time again. You're over here, angsting out about how you can't do this; you don't know if you can deal with being a father to someone who isn't Xavier. I get that. Believe it or not, I'm trying to ahhh, what's the word Jasper uses? I'm trying to empathize. The thing is, she's my wife, and this whole situation is hard on her. You've been acting like this baby is the worst thing to happen to you , second only to Xavier dying, and Rosie can't have children of her own. We can never have an accident-how fucking ironic is that? After all the dumb shit things I've done, _four _kids, and I can't have kids with the woman I actually love.

"So that's why she's staying away from you, because she's afraid she's going to tell you to give us the baby, because we'd love it every minute, no doubt. She's afraid she's going to tell you you're an idiot and an asshole because this baby is a gift."

Edward sat down hard on his stairs, and Emmett sighed. "Fuck. I'm sorry, Edward."

"Can you leave now?"

Edward didn't look up until he heard the soft click of the door closing. He stared forward for a long time, his jaw clenched as he tried to sort out his thoughts.

Before he got very far, his phone rang. "Hello?" he said, putting it to his ear without looking at the screen.

"Hey." The word was shaky, and Edward sat up straighter.

"Bella?"

"Yeah, hi. I'm sorry I'm calling. I hope that's okay."

He could picture her doing that thing where her eyebrows pinched together and she pushed her hand into her hair. "It's fine. You can call me whenever you want. Now what's going on?"

She blew out a long breath. "It's Forks. Nothing goes on here."

If she thought he couldn't hear the forced lightness in her voice, she was greatly mistaken. "You sound…" He searched for the right word. "You don't sound good."

"I'm-"

"Don't say you're fine." When she didn't answer, he went on. "I can start guessing. Is it your dad?"

"No. Dad's just Dad. He goes to work early. He fishes on the weekends. He really likes my cooking." She sighed. "I'm being stupid. I ran into Mike's parents last week."

"Oh."

"It had to be the week they were here checking on the store."

Edward hated the bitterness in her words. "What did they say?"

"Nothing. Really, they didn't say anything I haven't heard. Karen tried to apologize for him again. It's always the same. 'It was stupid of him to be arguing at the top of the stairs, but I know he didn't mean to hurt you, Bella. Every time we visit him in that horrible place, he says it. It was an accident.'"

"That's a bunch of bullshit," Edward said through clenched teeth.

"I said the same thing." She took a shuddering breath, obviously trying to calm herself. "Karen, she tries to be nice, but his dad hates me. Last week, he just glared like he always does, but today…"

"It's okay," Edward said, keeping his tone soothing though he was seething under the surface. "What did he do?"

"God, this is so stupid. I'm so stupid."

"Bella, you're not-"

"No. I am. It's stupid because I'm scared of a man who can't touch me." She huffed. "At least not for another five months."

"He's never going to touch you again." Edward had to stop himself from making the melodramatic promise he'd kill the man if he ever got near Bella again. True though the statement was, he knew better than to think Bella would react well to his protective streak.

"I know. It's just...ugh." She sniffled, and he could imagine she was struggling against the tears she found so frustrating. "This morning I was in the store with Jake. He's a friend of mine. Maybe my best friend, though I don't deserve him.

"See, Jake is kind of an idiot. I mean that affectionately. He's two years younger than I am and cocky. He never made it a secret he had a crush on me. That's what I mean by him being an idiot. I know there's a better word for it, but I can't think of it right now. He didn't mean anything by the way he was. I mean, he wasn't trying to piss Mike off back then. We were just friends, and he knew I didn't feel the same way about him."

"Bella," Edward said, interrupting her tirade. He'd noticed she did this sometimes-went into nervous explanations of things that might be easily misconstrued. He could easily imagine why. "Tell me what happened."

"Yeah. Okay." She sniffled again. "Jake testified against Mike, because he witnessed a number of, uh...altercations. Mike hated that I spent any time with him. If he saw us together, he'd, um… He'd grab me and try to drag me away. Jake always made him take his hands off me. Fucking coward. Jake is huge. He didn't look like a fifteen, sixteen-year-old kid. Mike would laugh it off while we were in front of him, but the second we got home…"

Her words cut off in a choke, and her quiet whimper broke his heart. Edward had never felt distance so acutely. The very least he'd been able to offer her was the comfort of his presence, the knowledge she wasn't alone, but right now, she very much was. He wanted nothing in the world at that moment more than he wanted to hold her.

"Anyway," she said before he could speak. Her tone was raw. "I was with Jake in the store. I don't go to the store alone."

Of course she didn't. Forks's only grocery store was attached to Mike's family's store, Edward recalled.

"Mike's dad was there. He saw me with Jake, and he was angry. He said I was a dumbfuck kid who never had any respect for my relationship, and I stole three years of Mike's life because of an accident.

"After that, I couldn't shake the...memories, I guess. It felt like when I used to have to sneak around to see Jake. Like I expected Mike to show up at any minute. I was so nervous, I had to ask Jake to leave. It was so stupid. I'm a horrible friend."

"It's not stupid. I'm sure he understands."

"He does," she said, though she still sounded disgruntled.

Edward tapped his knee in a restless rhythm. "Does he know? About me, I mean. About the baby."

There was a long pause on the other end. "No. He knows something's up, but he doesn't know what. You know, it's just that Jake is probably the only person who never looked down on me throughout that whole thing. Maybe it's because he's younger than me, but he never looked at me like I was an immature little twit for going near Mike in the first place, for letting any of that happen to me.

"I can't seem to find the words to make what happened with you and me make sense. It sounds so bad when I say it out loud. I already know what my dad is going to think. It would just kill me if this is what finally makes Jake look at me like that, too."

"If he's worth his salt at all as a friend, he's not going to make you feel like that."

"I know. It's like a band-aid right? I should just rip it off. It's not like I can stop it. This is all happening, and I can't stop it or slow it down until I'm ready."

She sniffled again and growled in frustration. "God. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be calling you to whine. I just hate this town. I hate it."

_Then come home, _he almost said but stopped himself just in time. She had nowhere else to go, she'd told him. There was a dorm waiting for her but not until the fall semester began. By the time she'd shaken off the fog of shock at finding herself pregnant, it had been too late for her to sign up for the summer courses that might have kept her in Arizona.

Edward had to fight the impulse to tell her to come stay with him. He didn't want to scare her. He had no guest room, and she wasn't the type to let him sleep on the couch for months on end.

Still, she had to know she had options. "Bella, if you want to come back, we can figure something out."

"I'm fine," she said by rote. "Today sucked, that's all. Tomorrow will be better."

They talked for a few minutes more before she said she had to go. She wanted to make dinner for Charlie.

"Edward?" she said before he hung up.

"Yes?"

"Just… thanks. It's been really good to hear your voice."

At that, a warmth sparked to life at the center of his chest. "Yeah," he said, wishing again that she was in front of him, that he could see her pretty face. He hadn't realized how used to seeing her and talking to her nearly every day he'd gotten until she was a thousand miles away. "You too. You know you can call me any time, right? It doesn't matter what time it is."

He threw in this last because it had worried him that she might be having nightmares. The memory of Mike's touch had thrown her into nightmares twice while Edward was with her. What would it do to her in that town where her memories had to be all too real?

"I know," she said. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Edward remained sitting on his stairs long after they'd disconnected the call, warring with himself. He thought about what Jasper had said about trusting his instincts and thought of how very alone Bella had sounded.

What had it taken a person like Bella, who wanted nothing more than the strength to stand on her own two feet, to call him for comfort?

"Fuck this," Edward muttered, standing. He headed toward the living room and his laptop.

His instincts said she needed him regardless of what she said. Though part of him knew it could make things worse-would she consider this forcing her hand?-he also knew he had to be there.

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><p><strong>AN: Many, many, many thanks to my dears. My barburella, songster, jessypt, myonlyheroin, and Packy 2.0. **

**Happy New Year (belated in some cases) to everyone out there. Thank you so much for making my 2014 so bright with all your love and support. Be safe.**


	12. Chapter 11 - Surprise

**A/N: If you're seeing this a/n, I convinced someone to post this for me so I could go to Disneyland with this done. Whomever you are, you are an amazing person and I probably don't deserve you! (But I am writing about Carlisle's penis for you, so ya know…)**

**Bwahahaha! It's all part of my diabolical plan to take over the worldddd- Capricorn75**

"I'm, um. I'm sorry, Dad." Bella sat down across from her father, setting a bowl in front of him. "All we have is oatmeal. Again."

Her father picked up his spoon, stirring in the brown sugar she'd set out. "That's fine. I appreciate it." He seemed content enough as he stirred the sugar and milk into the oatmeal. "I thought you went to the store yesterday."

Bella put her own spoon down, any appetite she might have had gone. "I went." She wiped her hands on her knees, trying to still the fitful wringing. "Mr. Newton." She had to swallow, telling herself it was ridiculous that her throat closed off at the mention of his name. "Mr. Newton was there. He, um. He said some things, and I left."

Charlie put down his spoon to look at her. "What kind of things?"

"Don't worry about it, Dad," she said to her bowl of oatmeal. "He just doesn't like me. He's never liked me."

"Well, he doesn't want to hear what I think about his son of a bitch kid," Charlie muttered. He shook his head and tucked into his oatmeal. "It's all pissing in the wind, Bells. Don't take it personally. His kid may be a bastard, but it's still his kid, and it wasn't a great situation. I think we can safely say that now, right?"

Bella's stomach twisted sickeningly. "Yeah."

They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, Charlie eating and Bella pushing her oatmeal around her bowl, fighting nausea. Her father cleared his throat as though he was aware of the heaviness of the atmosphere but was, as always, unsure of how to handle it. "Well, if you're worried about running into him, maybe you can take a drive to Port Angeles. You hardly leave the house. A drive might do you some good. You could take the cooler if you needed something for the freezer."

Bella balled her hands into fists on her lap, trying to get them to stop shaking. "Yeah," she said, her voice thin. "Maybe I'll do that." She pushed herself to her feet, the sound of the chair scraping across the floor loud in the quiet house. "I'm going to take a shower. Have a good day at work, Dad."

As she hurried blindly toward the stairs, Bella's lungs began to squeeze tight, her airways constricted. Near the top of the stairs she had to stop and grip the banister to keep from falling, her legs trembling too hard to hold her upright. It was all the worst then, because as she clung to the banister, a wave of dizziness overwhelmed her, and she flinched as memories of falling threatened to drive rational thought from her head.

She fought it, pulling herself up the last few stairs and stumbling to the bathroom. Her hands shook so badly it took her ages to turn the water on and longer still before she could lift her leg over the lip of the tub. Finally, though, she sat at the bottom of the tub, hot water coursing over her, breathing in raggedly with her head resting on her knees.

"Stop it," she growled through gritted teeth, clenching her hands into fists and digging her fingernails into her palms. "Just stop it."

Bella hardly remembered the days and weeks after Mike was arrested. Those days existed in a fog of confusion and fear. Nothing about the world made sense then, and time passed in lurches or dragging lulls. Everything, every thought, even her reflection in the mirror was warped and wrong.

When she'd returned home a few weeks before, Charlie's eyes had shone with pride for the first time since she'd been a very little girl. "One semester down," he'd said. "See? Your life is finally back on track."

She'd slunk down on the passenger seat beside him, thinking about the baby and how disappointed he would be when he knew.

Since then, she'd felt the dark abyss she'd clawed and dragged herself away from two years before lurking at the corners of her vision. She was jumping at shadows again, haunted by fear and the specter of every mistake she'd made in this town, in this house.

"Stop it," she chanted to herself, rocking back and forth.

It was pathetic how little it had taken to reduce her to this. She must have looked like a crazy person, rocking back and forth under the water still fully clothed. And why? Because some asshole in a store full of people had been mean to her?

And she was going to be someone's mother.

Calm spread over her, but it wasn't a welcome peace. No, it was that empty, desolate ache that smothered her fear and let her breathe again, but took joy and hope as its price.

Bella pulled herself to her feet and went about removing her sodden clothes robotically. Nude, she ran her hands over her skin and cupped her palms over the swell at her belly. At sixteen weeks, the bump was perceptible though thankfully not with her clothes on. She pressed down, feeling the hard knot and not really thinking about anything. She stood still and breathed until the water went cold.

Hours later, clothed and swaddled in a blanket, she was still ice cold. She was curled up on the couch, and though the TV was on, she wasn't watching it. She thought about asking Charlie if he wanted to go out for lunch. She thought about doing what he said and heading for Port Angeles to shop. But minutes turned into hours. She missed lunch, and the idea of going to Port Angeles alone made her shudder. She thought about calling Jake, but she didn't do that either.

At two in the afternoon there was a knock on the door. Bella started, her heart pounding erratically as her mind snapped back to the present. It took only an instant for her mind to conjure up a worst possible scenario. What if it was Mr. Newton?

What if it was Mike?

Curling her arm protectively around her belly, Bella crept to the window beside the door. Carefully, she looked out. She stared at the closed door in disbelief. He knocked again, and Bella opened the door so she could stare at him directly.

"Edward?" The word came out choked.

His smile was tentative. "Hi."

They stared at each other for another few awkward seconds before Bella realized with a start that she was being rude. "Uh, come in." She stepped back to let him in, still staring. She wasn't asleep-that much she knew. Had she hit her head?

As he turned to her, his eyes drew together in concern. His hand came up, and she flinched backward. "Sorry," he said. "You look…"

Bella flushed and turned away from him, running her fingers through her hair. "Like crap. I know."

"No," he said. He touched her arm, a brief, quick touch, and she didn't start. "You're lovely. Tired but lovely."

A small smile tugged at her lips. He was full of shit, and they both knew it. Still, there was that note of sincerity in his tone that made her feel better anyway. She wrapped her arms around herself, looking up at him. "What are you doing here?"

He seemed nervous. "You sounded really down when I talked to you yesterday. I don't know. I felt like I had to be here. I would have asked, but you would have told me you were fine."

"I'm…" Bella's words died on her lips, and she covered her mouth with her hand, a wave of emotion hitting her hard. She closed her eyes, breathing through her nose until she was sure she wasn't going to cry. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

He took a step toward her, and that was all she needed. She flew at him, wrapping her arms around his waist and ducking her head against his chest. "You're fucking crazy, but I'm glad you're here," she whispered, hating the way her voice shook.

She was more glad than she knew how to express. For the first time in weeks, she felt as though she were on solid ground. It was disorienting, like stepping off a ship onto dry land and still feeling the back and forth motion of the ocean but steadier. His arms were warm and strong around her, and she found she liked the way his presence engulfed her.

"Oh good," he said, resting his chin on the top of her head. "I was afraid you'd be mad at me."

"Maybe later." Bella gave him one last squeeze and stepped back.

As she did, she swayed, and Edward lurched forward to catch her again. He brought her up against his hard body, and Bella blinked as her head spun. "Whoa," she said.

He looked at her with concern, cupping his hand against her suddenly clammy cheek. "When was the last time you ate?"

Bella thought about it and couldn't remember right off. Had she even managed a bite of oatmeal that morning?

"That's what I thought. Come sit down. I'll make you something to eat."

She let him lead her to the couch and sank down gratefully, still dizzy. "There's, um. There's really nothing to eat. I never got groceries. I've been putting it off for a week because…" She swallowed around a thick lump in her throat.

"Okay. Well, how about this. I passed a couple of diners. I'll go get you something from there. Then, if you make me a list, I'll get the groceries."

An irrational wave of terror went through Bella at the thought of Edward being in the same vicinity as Mr. Newton. It was stupid. Mr. Newton had no idea who Edward was, and Edward could and would stand up for himself. Still, she felt protective of him. "You don't have to do that," she said.

He brushed a limp stand of hair away from her eyes. "I'll be right back."

In the twenty minutes he was gone, Bella made herself a little more presentable. She was too tired to be embarrassed at the state he'd found her in, but she felt better when she'd changed out of sweats into jeans and brushed her hair. The act of getting herself together had the effect of clearing her head, and that brought with it a whole new slew of worries.

She was distracted by the smell of the soup and sandwiches Edward brought home. Her stomach gave a loud rumble and every thought that didn't involve getting to the food left her. She sat and ate eagerly, dipping her sandwich in the soup and humming appreciatively.

"Sorry," she said, catching Edward watching her. She wiped at the corner of her mouth. "I've been taking care of myself. I promise. It's just been a rough couple of days."

He took a bite of his sandwich, chewed, and swallowed. "When things get rough, that's when we need someone to take care of us, I think." He touched his hand briefly to hers. "That's what I'm here for."

Warmth spread through her chest to her cheeks. It was nice to think about someone caring for her. It was nice, but it was also frightening to her. She let Mike take care of her once.

Bella shook that thought away before it could spoil her appetite. She knew the difference between what Mike thought he was doing and Edward being there for her. Besides, he had a right to be concerned for her health. Bella hadn't fed herself, which meant she hadn't fed the baby either.

She took a shaky breath, looking down at her soup as she stirred it around and around. "So you're going to make me get it over with, huh? Tell my dad."

"What?" His eyes were wide as he reached out again to touch her hand. "I'm not here to force you into anything."

"Well, what do you think is going to happen?" The food in Bella's stomach was hardening into stone. "I don't know if you noticed, but you're not incorporeal."

His lips quirked. "But that doesn't mean he has to know I'm here, if that's not what you want. I'll leave before he comes home, and I can come back when he leaves for work tomorrow."

Bella wrinkled her nose, new questions occurring to her. "Don't _you _have to work? How long are you here? You really are crazy, you know that?"

"I have no pressing deadlines right now, and I haven't taken more than a few days off here and there in the last decade. Let me worry about work." He shifted in his seat, looking back at her with an open expression. "As for how long I'm here, that's up to you. Though if you don't want to tell your father yet, I still want to be with you when you do tell him."

Feeling better, Bella's appetite returned full force, and she finished all of her lunch and the last half of Edward's sandwich. She really was hungry, and she knew he did like to take care of her. It was easier to let him when he had already flown halfway across the country for her. No sense in not indulging him when he was already here.

"Hey," she said half an hour later when they'd moved to the living room. "You want to feel something?"

"What's that."

Bella wasn't sure what made her do it. All things considered, it should have been an awkward thing to do, but then again, everything about their relationship should have been awkward. They were barely friends, and yet there was this connection between them.

And again, that was what drew Bella to Edward. As uncertain as she was about being a mother, about the whole having-a-baby clusterfuck, she wanted permission to be at least a little awed. Especially here in Forks, there was no one she could talk to.

Maybe that was why she scooted over, pressing herself against his side. She took his hand and put it to the taut ball of skin under her shirt.

Too late she realized it might have been a mistake. She was far from oblivious to the fact that Edward was struggling. She only understood that struggle to a point. She knew what it was to fight something no one could see, for it to weigh you down and warp reality. But she had no idea what it was like to lose a child he had conceived and planned with a woman he loved. She wondered often just how badly it hurt him to watch her go through this pregnancy when he remembered going through it with Kate and his son.

Bella felt Edward's body go stiff, heard his breath catch. She let go of his hand, but before she could find the words to apologize, he relaxed. His breath came out in a slow gust, and he moved his hand of his own volition to feel the roundness of her belly.

His fingers were gentle, and the tender touch sent delicious tingles up her spine. Bella felt her cheeks flush hot. "I don't know," she said, suddenly feeling somewhat foolish and out of depth in this intimate position. "I just thought it was kind of...uh. Neat? I guess."

Edward's breath shook, and he didn't answer. He ran his fingers over her skin wonderingly, cupped the bump in one large hand. She turned her head, chancing a look at him, and found his eyes were unfocused. He was staring forward with a look that was part heartbreak and part something she couldn't fathom.

"I...I'm sorry. I didn't think-"

"No," he said quickly. He rested his free hand around her shoulder and pulled her closer against him. His hand hadn't left her stomach. In fact, he'd begun to stroke his fingers on either side of her bellybutton. "No. I just… I know it's real. It's been real. But…"

Bella put her hand next to his, feeling with him. "I know. I felt it before too, but not like this. I think I tried not to think about it until maybe a few days ago." She sighed. "Now I can't stop touching it. Kind of weird, huh?"

"Weird," he repeated. With the hand that rested on her shoulder, he reached up, brushing his fingertips down her cheek. "You're beautiful, do you know that?"

Bella tilted her head up, and though she'd been the one to sit so close to him, she was still somehow shocked to find his face so near hers. The heartbreak in his eyes had eased, and he looked at her with something that seemed like awe, as though he was seeing her for the first time. Her heart skipped a beat, and every inch of her skin seemed to glow warmer.

"I'm sorry I'm so bad at this," Edward murmured, his thumb stroking the line of her jaw. "You deserve to be told every day how beautiful you are. And it's true, Bella. This…" He cupped her belly again. "This only makes you more beautiful."

The voice in the back of her head telling her all the reasons why she shouldn't be so close to him, shouldn't be tucked under his arms, shouldn't be wishing he would come closer, were no louder than the buzz of insects zipping around nearby-annoying when they flew by her ear, but otherwise easy to ignore.

"Bella." He said her name on a whisper. His eyes seemed to trace the features of her face, lingering on her lips. "I'm so messed up about all this. I'm sorry. You deserve so much better than me."

His words were incongruous to his tone. He spoke with his voice pitched low, like a lover whispering sweet nothings instead of tortured confessions, and it was hard to remember he wasn't. She had no idea what to say to his words, no idea what to think at all. In fact, she didn't want to think. With his face so near hers, she wanted nothing more than to kiss him. It wouldn't take anything at all. There were only a few scant inches between his lips and hers.

The front door opened then, and her father's voice calling her name was one of the only things on the planet that could have popped the warm bubble around them. "Hey, Bells. I'm-"

Charlie cut off as Edward and Bella both flung themselves to opposite ends of the couch.

"Dad," Bella said in a choked tone at the same time Edward said, "Sir."

Charlie looked from Bella to Edward then back to his daughter. "What the hell is going on here?" he demanded, crossing his arms.

Bella opened her mouth but not a single word came out.

**A/N: Many thanks to my lovelies, my songster, jessypt, myonlyheroin, and barburella.**

**So! :D This should go well, right?**


	13. Chapter 12 - Spark

**A/N: My editor just returned the first draft of my new novel, Finding Purgatory, to me. Soooo fair warning, updates might be few and far between for the next week or so. I'm definitely going to update Long Distance and Angel is a Centerfold next.**

**I'm really excited to show you guys this one!**

**And to my dear anon who keeps asking about New Girl...that is not my fault. You might notice that New Girl is a collab. It's not my turn. I have very little control over that. :)**

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><p>Since he didn't know the man, Edward could only think in broad generalizations about his first meeting with Charlie Swan. They were peers-Charlie was less than two years older than Edward. It wasn't a stretch to figure out the man wouldn't be pleased to find his daughter pregnant by a man he could have gone to school with. Edward hadn't been looking forward to being that guy-exactly what any parent didn't want for their kid.<p>

This, of course, was a worst case scenario. When Bella put his hand to her firm belly, she'd accidentally shoved him into a maelstrom, which wasn't exactly uncommon for him these days. It was different though, charged by her nearness. He'd felt a connection to her since the very first time he laid eyes on her. With all the drama, his struggles and hers to deal with this pregnancy, it was easy to forget what had brought them together in the first place. With his arm around her, their hands pressed to the life that had sparked out of that connection, Edward had wanted nothing in that moment as much as he wanted to kiss her.

Charlie coming in had thrown him from one tumultuous head space into another and had left him disoriented. As a result, there was much stumbling over awkward introductions, Charlie's increasingly more aggravated questions, and then Bella blurted out her confession.

"I'm pregnant."

The words turned the atmosphere, already tense, heavy to the point of pain. By then, Bella had tucked herself into the very corner of the couch, her legs up on the cushions, her arms wrapped around her knees. She watched her father through anxious eyes, and Edward wished he could go to her, hug her. He would have, but he didn't want to make this moment worse for her.

Seeing her like that had the effect of centering Edward's attention. His own nervousness was forgotten, brushed aside as unimportant. This wasn't about him; it was about Bella. This situation wasn't going to be comfortable for Edward, but it was potentially devastating for her. He scooted over deliberately, so it didn't seem like he was trying to get away from her.

The room was so quiet Edward heard when Bella swallowed. "Look, I know I fucked up, but-"

"No, stop. I don't think I want to hear your excuses." Charlie ran a hand over his face, looking anywhere but at her. "I just don't understand you. It took you two years to get back on your feet. This is… This is permanent. What the hell was the point of all that therapy? When you were with that prick, I thought you were hellbent on destroying your life. I thought you were over that."

Edward was stunned at the venomous words coming out of the other man's mouth. He remembered Bella telling him not to worry, that her father would blame her, but hearing it was a very different thing.

"This isn't the same thing," Bella said, her voice small and shaky.

"No, I guess it isn't. After all, when you finally got it through your head Mike was bad news, I could throw him in jail where he belongs. That was the silver lining back then. At least you weren't stupid enough to let him knock you up or was it just dumb luck?"

With every word, Bella seemed to shrink. She pulled her arms tighter around herself and stared down at her knees. Her mouth was set in a hard, thin line, and she'd lost any semblance of color. Edward couldn't stay silent any longer. "I'm sorry, but I don't think this is helping anyone."

For the first time, Charlie Swan turned his glare on Edward. It was disconcerting to see Bella's bright brown eyes glinting with fury. "You know what I think? I think you should keep your mouth shut. I don't want to talk to you right now. I figure I know your type well enough. What are you, thirty? At least? I get it. College kids make easy targets. Girls like Bella find trouble enough on their own. They don't need any help."

"Dad, Edward isn't like that," Bella said, her voice slightly stronger now in Edward's defense.

Charlie turned his head back to his daughter. "No? Like you insisted Mike wasn't like that? Mike was a great guy, and 'you just don't understand, Dad' until he nearly killed you."

Bella flinched and winced as her father spoke, her hands clutching convulsively into fists, as she looked anywhere but up.

"Okay." Edward scooted all the way over so he could put his hand to Bella's back. It had the effect of getting her to look at him if nothing else. "Bella, I think your dad needs a few minutes to process. Do you want to come with me to get a hotel?"

That sent Charlie into action. He got to his feet and pointed at Edward. "You think you're going anywhere with my daughter, you have another thing coming."

Edward got up too and, as though she expected violence was imminent, Bella jumped to her feet beside him, putting a restraining hand to his arm. It broke his heart that in tense, angry moments like this, the first thing she thought was that someone was going to get hit. He took her hand instead though he didn't drop Charlie's gaze. "What I think is that you don't know your daughter any more than you know me. This is what I know about her. She's the strongest person I've ever met. After everything she's been through, she still sees the beauty in people. Maybe that hasn't done her any favors, but it's more than I can say for either of us." He gave her hand a squeeze and let it go so she wouldn't feel coerced. "And I also think she's the only one who gets to say where she's going and with whom."

He turned away from Charlie to look at Bella then and raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to go with me?" he asked, keeping his tone light and even. What he wanted to do was get her the hell out of there. He didn't give a good god damn about Charlie Swan's intentions; the man was hurting his daughter so badly, he may as well have been using his fists.

Bella looked between her father and Edward, but she took Edward's hand again. "I'll go with you," she said. Her voice was quiet but strong.

"Bella-" Charlie started, but he stopped when his daughter put her hand out.

"I'll be back," she said. "When you're ready to hear me, I'll be back."

She let Edward pull her out of the house then, and she got in his rental instead of her beat-up old truck. Once settled in the car, she mirrored the pose she'd assumed on the couch just minutes before, pulling her feet up on the seat and hugging her knees close.

Edward wanted to say something, but he didn't have the right words. He was furious, and he didn't think his recriminations against her father would help. He knew Bella well enough to understand there was a large part of her who believed the warped version of reality Charlie subscribed to.

Like everything in the tiny town, the motels of Forks were easy to find. There was really only one main road. Edward stopped at the first one he hit, Pacific Inn Motel.

"Not here," Bella said. The urgency in her voice alarmed him.

"Okay. Do you have any suggestions?"

She appeared to consider this. "Forks Motel. It's just up the street." She pointed, and Edward turned left out of the parking lot.

It would have been as easy to walk to the Forks Motel as drive. Edward didn't comment as he pulled up in front of this motel and parked. Before he could get out, Bella snatched his hand, keeping him still. "I'm sorry," she said. "About the motel and my dad. The Pacific Inn…" She wasn't looking at him as she spoke. "Mike took me there once when there was a bug problem at his place."

"You don't have to apologize for how you feel." Edward brushed his fingertips against the side of her face and pushed her hair back over her ear. She looked up from under long eyelashes, clearly still fighting uncertainty. He could see the quiet misery in her eyes, like she would be crying if she was alone. "And you don't have to apologize for your dad either."

"I put him through a lot," she said, excusing him anyway. "I guess I can't blame him for thinking the worst."

"I think when you're growing up, everyone has this list of how they're going to be better at parenting than their parents." His heart gave a painful pang, and he breathed in as if through water. "When you have a child, you get this vision of what their life will be like, the things you'll teach them, and the things that could never, ever happen-not to your kid. Things like what happened to you are things we all want to believe only happen to other people's kids, people who don't raise their kids right."

"He wasn't a bad father."

"And you weren't a bad kid. Not then. Not now." He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't think your dad is an asshole. I think he made a mistake, saying what he said to you right now. I think he maybe has made a lot of mistakes saying the wrong thing. I think I understand where he's coming from, but nothing he said or did was helpful."

He took Bella's hands, looking at her. "I don't know how you feel about it, but maybe a little distance between you and your dad wouldn't be a bad thing right now. Do you want to stay with me? We can get a two bed room, or I can get you your own room."

"You wouldn't mind?" she asked, searching him.

He gave her a small smile. "No. You're good company."

Her lips twitched. "You don't get out much, do you?" She sounded tired, but there was a hint of life to her voice now. "If you really don't mind, I'll stay with you."

"Good," he said.

They got out of the car, and Edward's fingers twitched with the inexplicable urge to take her hand again. "Can I give you a hug?" he asked instead. He'd wanted to hug her since her father walked in on them.

She stopped mid-step and cocked her head, looking at him. "I'm not afraid of you, you know. You don't have to ask."

He took her hand and pulled her to him, wrapping her tight in his arms, her head tucked under his chin. With his hands pressed against her back, he could feel her take a deep breath. "Edward?" she murmured, her lips so close to his neck he could feel the vibration against his skin.

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad you're here."

He huffed, releasing her from the hug but not letting her go from the circle of his arms. "Really? Because that whole sordid scene wouldn't have happened if I wasn't here."

"Yeah it would have. Maybe not today, but it would have. You were right about being here. It was nice to have back up."

"I won't say it was my pleasure, because I am sorry you have to deal with this, Bella. Babies...if the world were perfect, they should always be good news." Edward felt a pang, remembering the joyous whoops of his parents and hers when Kate said those words-I'm pregnant. "But since the world is what it is, I'm glad I was here too."

He stepped away from her then, and they walked to the front door. Just before they went in, Bella stopped short. "Oh, dammit."

"What is it?"

She sighed, looking up at him with a tired and resigned expression. "Today isn't my day." She nodded surreptitiously in the direction of the front desk. "The girl behind the counter? We went to high school together, and she hated me."

"Do you want to go somewhere else?"

Bella shook her head. "No point. She already saw us. Besides, everyone will know about us soon enough. It's that kind of town." She gave a bitter laugh. "Poor Chief Swan. His wife ran off on him, and his daughter is obviously nothing but trouble."

Before Edward could refute that, Bella pushed the front door open, and he had to hurry to follow her inside.

"Bella Swan, is that you?" the blond behind the counter said in one of those saccharine-sweet voices Edward loathed.

"Hey, Lauren. I didn't know you were in town."

Lauren shrugged. "Summer job, you know? And I spend all my free time back in Seattle with my boyfriend. Speaking of which…" She turned her brilliant, and equally fake, smile on Edward. "Who is this?"

Edward put his driver's license on the counter, though he spared a brief smile for Lauren. "Edward Cullen. I'd like a room, please. Two beds."

The other woman's smile faltered just a bit, and she looked toward Bella who cleared her throat. "He's a friend."

"Oh." Lauren drew out the word and her smile widened. She took Edward's license, beginning to click away on her computer. "That makes more sense." She looked up at Bella, tilting her head with a knowing expression that made Edward want to shake her. "I know you have a thing for older men, but this one is really out of your league."

"Do you think I could get that room as quickly as possible?" Edward said, his tone clipped. "I'd really like to get settled in."

Irritation flashed across Lauren's face, but she nodded. "Of course, sir."

Some minutes later, Edward and Bella were back in the car, heading toward more permanent parking nearer their room. "So that was fun," Edward said, still chafing with unspent fury at the aggravating woman.

"Lauren Mallory. Yeah, she hasn't changed much. Today was honestly the most friendly she's ever been to me." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Last time I saw her, I was still in a cast. She said, if I was such an idiot to stay in an abusive relationship, then I deserved what I got, and I shouldn't have blamed him when I was the one who got him used to pushing me around."

Edward tightened his grip on the steering wheel, glad the car was parked. "Jesus Christ," he muttered under his breath. He opened his mouth, intent on damning Lauren into the arms of an abuser, but then he shut it again.

No, he wouldn't wish that kind of mistreatment on anyone.

"I don't know why she hates me," Bella said, her tone more curious than hurt. "We never really knew each other. She just always did."

"Why people hate strangers who've never hurt them is a mystery of life," Edward said. "If you figure that one out, let me know."

They got out, and Edward rescued his one bag from the trunk. Inside the room, Bella sat on one bed, and they made small talk while he put his things away. Then, as they lapsed into silence, Edward went to her. He dropped to his knees in front of her so he could look up into her eyes.

It had taken him this time to figure out what bothered him the most about Charlie's accusations. As he'd already said, he understood where the man was coming from to a large degree, but the whole situation reeked of injustice.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

Edward took her hands in both of his. "I need to say this to you. I think you need to hear it." He put one of his hands gently against her belly. She started, but she didn't pull away. "No matter what anyone else says, you and I both know how this happened. Look, Bella, neither of us remembering birth control...well, we could have been smarter about that. I don't know how you see what happened between us, but for me, it was something special." He had to swallow hard around the ever-present lump in his throat. "There was...is...something between us. A connection, and we acted on it physically. There's honesty in that." He took her hands again and squeezed. "And it was one of the better nights of my life. Probably the best night in the last decade. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what it's cost you, but I'm not sorry it happened."

Bella's eyes shone, and she grasped Edward's fingers as though for dear life. She slid off the bed to her knees beside him and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him. He could feel she was trembling, though with fear or emotion, he couldn't tell.

After a handful of seconds, she pulled back, looking at him, and when she spoke, she whispered, "You are the only person I've ever chosen to sleep with." She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "I'm glad it was you."

Those words knocked the wind from Edward's lungs for many reasons. Yes, of course, he was pleased. One couldn't help feeling elated when a beautiful woman-one he had a great affection for-said something like that to him. But at the same time, those words broke his heart and left him with even more questions he wasn't sure he wanted the answer to.

Just how much had this girl suffered?

Edward was distracted from this thought when Bella kissed him, this time full on the mouth, and he was caught off guard by the jolt of electricity it sent through him. He remembered then the earth-shattering emotion he'd been caught up in just seconds before Charlie made his appearance. How feeling the evidence of the baby he and Bella had sparked together had opened his eyes to what he'd known about her since he first heard her speak.

There was something about this woman that made him want more.

What more was Edward didn't know. All he knew was back when they met, it had been relief when she kissed him, and when she pulled him into her room. All he knew now was when she kissed him, he felt he could take a deep breath for the first time in months.

He wrapped his arms around her and they both moved until they were sitting with their backs against the bed, tangled up in each other's embrace. They kissed slowly, fingers tracing cheeks or spines.

Everything else in their world might have been upside down, but despite what this connection between them had already cost them, it still felt right.

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><p><strong>AN: OMAI!**

**Oh. I entered the May to December contest. Link is in my profile. Some really great age gap stories. :) Check it out**

**Hehehe. I'll see you soon, guys. Thank you for all your love and support. MWAH.**


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